Friday, August 11, 2006

new article


My latest column for the wire is out and mentions a few bands featured on the new mix
they shot the old man

In a region dominated by old hippies playing jam band music that two hits of acid can’t even make sound good and college funk bands whose music sounds straight out of a “Degrassi High” battle of the bands episode, a new sound has developed. It’s a burgeoning noise/stoner metal/weird electronic shit movement.

It’s not sandal rock, or music to seduce the incoming freshmen girls at UNH decked out in Abercrombie and Fitch. Instead, this is music to listen to while drinking a bottle or two of Mad Dog 20/20, while shouting obscenities at the well-dressed folk that inhabit the sidewalks of Portsmouth, and screaming at God you will kill him before a man.

One of the newest bands to hit this scene is “One Two Three Teeth,” a band whose sound can be described as the combination of hanging out in Snoop Dogg’s tour bus all night with with what he would refer to as a “big bag of sticky icky, ohh whee( and yes I also have no idea what the fuck hohwhah or whatever they printed means either) ” while a continuous loop of Slayer plays in the background. If VH1 were going to make a supergroup out of this scene, this is the band they would pick. The members are a smörgåsbord of the “who’s who” of the scene, bringing in members from Birth Rites, Grrrrls out of Hell and the Antithesisters.

What they’ve created is a sound so thick that it will engulf you as if you were getting an old fashioned three-way bear hug from a grizzly bear and Stephen Colbert, as King Kong Bundy sits on the sidelines yelling encouragement and proper bear hugging techniques.

How did they get here? The myth goes that the Beach Boys had an orgy with the Misfits, who at the same time were gangbanging the Smiths, and the end result of this love fest was a band to be known to the world as the Grrrrls Out of Hell. The myth continues that in a motel room across town there was another free love explosion between Sonic Youth and Can while a weird German porno on the TV played in the background, a porno that involved clowns, the first reported case of DVDA, a four-minute tribute to Dirk Nowitzki sung by David Hasselhoff, and still frames of Carlton from the Fresh Prince dancing. Nine months later, the noise beast known worldwide as the Antithesisters was born.

If, after thinking about that, you’re looking for music to smoke a cigarette to, don’t worry cause the Seacoast has got you covered with one of them dudes from the Bif Rike S&M movement named T.B.D. T.B.D.’s music is a blend of laptop electronics, an alto saxophone, keyboards, found recordings and children’s toys. It’s the soundtrack to use when looking at the world through the eyes of a 5-year-old lost in the orgasms of color of an exploding nuclear bomb.

If the apocalypse does happen, don’t say the Advanced Apes did not warn you. This duo, comprised of Bookshop and Apauld the Absurd, make hip-hop music for guerrillas strapped with AK-47s and grenades with broken pins in their mouth. Advanced Apes is a musical massacre that sounds as if Autecher and Big L combined together to make music out of the remnants of nuclear fallout.

The day the Seacoast is destroyed by radiation, a small clock radio will play a constant soundtrack—a continuous loop of aggression and hatred mixed with melody and beauty. It will be the ugliest sound known to man, yet somehow soothing. It will be the music of a lost children’s crusade and it will be be provided by a band who lost its mind in the “Live Free Or Die” state, only to find and lose it again in the pure beauty that is the absolute nature of nuclear war. It will be the perfection that can only arise out of total destruction.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i was just puking in portsmouth last night

some girl yelled out her window I LOVE YOU at my friend and he yelled back CUNT and then we heard this faint but solid COCKSUCKER about 15 seconds later

that town is fucking weird man