Catch that dude justin tonite and his band Grrls out of hell for a big as scissor test halloween show. I'll be dressed up as a dude with mild concussion, ask en p about it, he helped me pick out this costume. So come out to the red door in portsmouth from 9-1, and as always there is no charge, 2 dollar pbrs to drank, and the drunk and focused posse playing anything from rap music, soul, rock, club and punk or whatever. And catch this thursday as well at our monthly party at the red door cause we really dope and as a holiday treat I have something really scary because it combines horror-core and nepotism. Basically when gravediggaz was about to drop a whole horror-core movement was thought to be the next big, kinda like snap music was, and when one of russel simmons' nephew, or cousins, needed to be put on, they figured the horror core gimmick would be the perfect way to sell records, and well they were wrong, add in some ghoulish laughter right about now...dead wrong flatlinerz - live evil
Golden State Warriors - I like Baron Davis, but his balk is bulky, the team got hot and peaked last year in the playoffs, yet still lost, and the team that returns this year is not as good as they were last year after trading away Jason Richardson.
L.A. Clippers - When the old man Sam Cassel is your top player, and both Sean Livingston, and Elton Brand are injured, you probably realize that is your fate, since you are a Clippers fan. They are kinda like rooting for "the genius" Lanny Poffo, instead of his big brother Randy " the macho man" Savage.
L.A. Lakers - I like Kobe “Not the true Mamba” Bryant because he is like a rich man’s Stephon Marbury. One week he is demanding a trade, then he is not, now out of the blue comes Jerry Bus to tell the world Kobe is touchable for the right offer, and now it looks he is going to be trade again, and I even heard if the Lakers are willing to throw in two future first rounders, and probaly Luke Walton, that the Spurs would consider trading me for Bryant, even though for the Spurs this would be a horrible blow to the fanbase who truly love Matt "the real Black Mamba" Bonner, (the real is like when some celbrity has a myspace and puts real in fron of there name to tell the world that its really them) Its ohh so confusing in L.A.,(not to mention the confusion between if I should stick with myspace or jump ship to facebook so I can keep in touch with all the bonner-maniacs) and Andrew Bynum is still waiting for an apology from the fake Mamba. And if I was young Bynum I would not hold my breathe, or any chance of playing if I get traded to the Lakers.
Phoenix Suns- I read someone’s review that claimed they should let go of Sean Marion now because they are so deep, and it made me realize how dumb most people are. Sure Marion said some pretty dumb things in the off-season, starting with the notion he’d rather be Joe Johnson on the Hawks, a guy with great stats on a shitty team, than Sean Marion on the suns, a guy whose the glue to what possible could be the best team in the NBA. Sure Marion demanded a trade but that is just the diva in him, and like Vince Carter before him, regardless of his diva tendencies he can also ball, and is the Sun’s best defender. The Sun’s need Marion if they are going to win a championship this year, which they are not.
Dallas Mavericks - I like this team, and its pretty much the same squad from last year. Yep that same squad who lost in the first round. Maybe David Hasselhoff falling off the wagon impacted Dirk last year in the playoffs in a way no American can truly understand.
Sacramento Kings - When people say that the tattoo culture is dead they probably look at Mike Bibby’s tattoos as proof. Theme of death will be a good metaphor for the playoff chances of the Kings this year. At least the Maloof brothers have the Real World Suite in Vegas to fall back on.
Houston Rockets - You ever see Rush Hour with Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. Well the Houston Rockets are about to have Rush Hour 3 type success this year.
Memphis Grizzlies - Kyle Korver is the only guy in the NBA that can make Mike Miller seem tough. The Grizzlies are only going to go as far as Paul Gasol’s beard will take them.
New Orleans Hornets - If you are wondering this is what the Kings would have looked like had they replaced Bibby with Chris Paul, and kept Peja Stockivich and Bobby Jackson. At least for Kings fans the Hornets are going to be bad too.
San Antonio Spurs - We return the same team as last year, and if we win another tile I am making a rap albulm with Tony Parker, Mc solaar, and Guru all in French. I am not kidding I spit hot fire, no rapper better than bonner other than DyLan from making da band.
Denver Nuggets - The truth plus Carmelo equal mile high times. And no that was not a drug reference.
Minnesota Timberwolves - Are you sure Kevin McHale is not still secretly working for the Celtics. And at least they just got Antoine Walker in a draft and sent away dead beat blount. And in the next five years if Ricky Davis does not stab someone he will be the first player ever traded to every team in the NBA
Portland Trailblazers - Remember when the first pick of the draft seemed like a blessing?
Seattle Super Sonics - Kevin Durant is going to break the heart of every Trailblazer fan this year. Too bad the Super Sonics are going to be bad enough to break the heart of every Sonic fan though.
Utah Jazz - Mormons, Sloan, and Euro crybabies who look like the Russian from Rocky. The Jazz are going to be as good as they were last year.
1. San Antonio Spurs - Like Ric Flair always said to be the man, whooooo, you got to beat the man. 2. Phoenix Suns - They are still the best team in the NBA that are not the Spurs. 3. Dallas Mavericks - What’s the likelihood the Mavericks loose twice in the first round? Is it on par with Mark Cuban actually winning Dancing with the Stars? (and by the way jsut like cuban lost 30 pounds dancing the Mavericks will lose by thirty to the greatest team in the world, the San Antonio SPurs) 4. Houston Rockets - I guess Houston is a perfect fit for Rick Adelman, a team just not good enough to be at the championship level. 5. Utah Jazz - Do you think if Stephon Marbury played for Utah he would have multiple wives like he was Bill Hendrickson from HBO’s “Big Love.” 6. L.A. Lakers - This is if Kobe doesn't get traded 7. Denver Nuggets - Practice…we’re talking about practice. 8. New Orleans Hornets - Ummm call this the "Wire" pick, last season starts in January, and Bonner can't wait to see what hijinx Omar gets into this year
Tonite we celebrate Scissor Test with the return of With the return of Astronautalis straight out of florida, where booty bass was born, the satanic booty bass of eat cloud has a new project which he will debut tonite called classy cloud, and good ol dirty Jack Blackwater will perform
And above is one of the orginal flyers of scissor test, this is when Lemon Red came aboard and before we started doing live shit, and instead was just playing club shit we couldn't play anywhere else in the area, and this is where Lemon Red found his love for b-more club (after hating and hating and hating on it anytime I dropped it) And as always funwrecker was there with his whitle. Then scissor test blew up and got wierd, (shout out to bif rike s&m, tong and noise in general) and now we are drunk and focused and probaly moving the party somewhere else, well maybe, more on that later. So come celebrate that old scissor test tonite and get batman drunk, and maybe burn down a house or two drunk and focused posse - scissor test nation
And I'll be playing rap records/ kraut/pysch records, and probaly a lot of old house cause thats what I been obessing over lately
Party starts at 8 and ends at 1, as always shits free, and the pbrs are 2 dollars
Wow I have a tummy ache because I been eating so many shrimp, and basking in the glory of what it means to be an NBA champion. Ohh in case you didn't hear my team, the 2007 World Champion San Antonio Spurs, won the championship. You want to know how good we were? We were so good I didn't have to break a sweat during the whole finals. Yep, we so good I only had to play about 2 minutes a game over the whole playoffs. Think about that for a minute, me, Matt Bonner, the real Mamba, was not even needed by the Spurs cause we always won so easily, and well it wouldn't be fair to the other team if both me and Duncan played monster minutes. I am telling you Pop is too benvolent, but that's in the past. So let's get on with business, socks on, with NBA Champion Matt Bonner's has more rings than gump ass garnett 8th annual NBA Spectacular Preview
Eastern Conference Atlanta Hawks - Think about this Hawks fans you didn’t win shit when you had Dominique Wilkins playing for you, and the rock n roll express winning titles in the old Omni theatre, and now for this season you half to count on the emergence of Antoine Walker and Al Harrington to compliment Joe Johnson, and this ascension will be an essential reason for you to have any chance of even competing for a playoff spot. Let me repeat that. You have to hope for the emergence of Antoine Walker and Al Harrington, the Group Home of duos in the NBA(And this is a Group Home with no Premier on the beat), just to even think about a seven or eight seed in the playoffs.. With Walker, other than its his contract year, what‘s to stop him from gorging on too many midnight snacks at the waffle house and giving a whole new meaning to the world “wiggle,“ and not to mention giving every Hawks fan over sixty a heart attack with one of his many ill advised three pointers. And Harrington is like Chino XL, he shows glimmers of promise, but overall he never takes it the next level. So yeah If I was a Hawks fan, I’d wait till next year, and get ready to see a lot of Acie Law IV because Tyrone Lue and Speedy Claxton are allergic to being full time starting point guards.
I wrote that about the 2004 Hawks when I was just getting the Red Rocket phenmenom started in Toronto. But now its 2007, I am a world champion, and Acie Law IV is their starting point guard, their best player is still Joe Johnson, and the best they can still hope for this season is sneaking into the playoffs as an eight seed. Yep its good to see nothing has really changed in Atlanta over the years, well except for what the kids dance too. Sidenote Bonner always supermans that ho, just ass gump ass cape wearing Garnett and just for old time sakes
Boston Celtics - All right my bias is going to show now but who are the ad wizards who came up the nickname the C-eatles, yes the fucking C-eatles. You get it its like Beatles with a C, and KG is Paul, which makes me question if a dude who chooses to be sally ass Paul of all the Beatles, gives me doubts he is man who can lead them to the championship. Plus he loves soccer and also got his ass whooped by me,Matt Bonner, the redhead from New Hampshire, and cult legend, and not to mention NBA champion, Matt Bonner. Regardless of anything this team is a year and a coaching change away from competing for a championship, and oh yeah if the Spurs plane crashes and me and Duncan are the sole survivors and can only play in wheelchairs, actually I still give us the advantage over that gump. You can’t tell me Rondo and Perk, and a pretty non-existent bench, especially if Tony Allen’s knees don’t hold up, is any better than the supporting cast KG had in Minnesota with Spreewell and Sam Cassel, and without a supporting cast we saw what happened with that big three. Rumor has it that Brian Scalibrine used voodoo to channel the spirit of every great white Celtic of the past to become a Bill Walton-esque six man off the bench, redheads unite we takin over this NBA shit.
Charlotte Bobcats - This looks like a fantasy team put together by a guy who primarily only watches college basketball, and thus would probaly be a big Matt Bonner fan. They resigned Gerald Wallace, and added Jason Richardson, who is a great player, but was still a head-scratcher of a deal. If Okafor has a monster year, Morrison finds his shooting touch again while remaining tear free, and Sean May finds his way out of the tub club, he is soft like silly puddy, the Bobcats could be a pretty solid team. I mean there has to have been some reason Gerald Wallace was so eager to re-sign with them. Right?
Chicago - I know its easy to like the Bulls because they have a lot of nice players. Deng is real nice. Gordon is real nice. Hendrich is solid, and Wallace is still solid on the defensive end. But nice only get’s you so far, (well unless you are paired with CL Smooth) and they are missing that superstar in the lineup to take them away from the middle of the pack. Until they get that last piece they will always be a solid, dangerous team, but never a title contender.
Cleveland Cavaliers - Wait a minute the Cavs made it to the finals with Lebron James, and ummmm, ummmm, Donyell Marshall and a hurt Larry Hughes. Hell their second best scorer was some unknown rookie named Boobie, and their best rebounder was a Brazilian off the bench, and they had a stand in for Frankenstein as their center. Let’s not forget pretty much the same team is back this year, and Donyell Marshall is still one of their key players. I am not really sure what to expect from this Cav’s team. If the Cavs finish with the first, or even the eight seed in the playoffs I would not be surprised at either outcome. Plus gas face to Lebron for wearing a Yankee’s hate in Cleveland, and that bad karma has already doomed their season. Also if Lebron get’s hurt this may be the worst team in basketball, its scary how important he is to their success. Actually he gets the gas face not for wearing the hat, but just for being a Yankees fan in general.
Detroit Pistons - You know how sometimes after a rap group peaks and they can coast with the same line up year and year out, and be really good, but nobody every will argue they are best anymore, think Hieroglyphics. That’s the Detroit Pistons this year.
Indiana Pacers - Remember when the melee happened and Jermaine O’Neal cold cocked the guy who looked like Turtle from Entourage? By the end of the season O’Neal, if he is not traded, will want to do that to everyone around him. It will be like a real life version of the SNL short when Andy Samberg punches everyone in the face before they eat food.
Miami Heat - I wonder if Shaq is at the point of his career when instead of wearing his heat uniform, instead he is going to come out in a black singlet with one strap like Andre the Giant. They will be good as long as Wade doesn’t get hurt, but if he is not healed from last year they will be brutally bad. But on a bright side since Shaq did that reality show with fat kids this summer you would think he would actually come to camp in shape this summer. I said you would think though.
Milwaukee Bucks - Could you blame China’s version of Sean Bradley for not wanting to play in Milwaukee? Hell you probably have some reservations too if you had to share a locker next an Australian named Bogart, who probably grew out a creepy moustache over the off-season because that is something Australians do. On the bright side it’s a team with a lot of potential with Bobby Simmons, Michael Redd, Charlie Villanueva, and Maurice Williams running the point. They are last year’s Bulls only with an uglier fan base, and a stronger love for cheese. New Jersey - They are like an r and b group. Vince Carter is the diva, Richard Jefferson is the other diva (the Kelly Rowland to Carter’s Beyonce if you will), and Jason Kidd is the guy in the back making all the beats. Problem is the rest of the squad is horrid and well the team is a bunch of divas, and Kidd is bound to get hurt at least once this season. But on the flip side if you like pretty dunks while your team loses by fifteen this is the team to watch.
New York Knicks - I don’t care what happens this year with this team, other than it results in Stephon Marbury getting his own reality show. “I didn’t call her a black bitch. I called her a bitch.” Let’s get this clear Knicks fan your team is going to be everyone’s bitch this year unless all this teams many head cases come together. And something else to look forward to Knicks fans, while your coach was busy losing his sexual harassment case, you shouldn’t have had to worry because during that time he only had basketball affairs on the mind. Matt Bonner asks who you calling a bitch, UNITY, wow was that a horrible song.
Orlando Magic - The Rashard Lewis signing is like when you go to a strip club and get way too drunk, and up blowing way more money than anyone should spend on lap dances, Bonner is the king of the tip drill, but this ultimately leads to a hand job in the back room. Sure you over paid for it, but your still somewhat satisfied at the end. Adding Lewis will make the Magic a potential sleeper in the conference title hunt, but I still think they end up coming up a little short at the end. But I do see monster years from Dwight Howard, and Jameer Nelson, as well as a 3 inch growth spurt for Hedo Turkolo. I am saying he is going to be 7’9 before he retires.
Philadelphia 76ers - Every preview of this team will mention how talented they are, but in the same paragraph how the have no chance at making the playoffs. Let me put it to you in reality, this team has no star, no chance at success, and no Allen Iverson. Andre Iguodala and Andre Miller are two top notch guards, but when your third best player is a shot blocking center, and the rest of your team is unproven young guys, the playoffs are not in your future.
Toronto Raptors - I really like this team as a solid three or fourth seed, they would be a one seed had I not left, the Red Rocket still runs Toronto. Chris Bosh is a beast, and TJ Ford is the Keith Murray of point guards, meaning I probably like him more than I should, and he probably uses a lot of big words. Their supporting cast is solid, and they played great towards the end of last season. They won’t win the conference this year, but they will be in the thick of things.
Washington Wizards - I would like this team a lot more if I only played fantasy basketball, and only read Gilbert Arena’s blog. I also realize this is the modern version of Golden State Warriors when they had their big TMT three, shout out to Chris Mullin’s flat top, and while they are both exciting to watch, make sure you catch them in the regular season because they won’t be around to much in the post.
1. Boston Celtics - I believe in voodoo, and red heads in the NBA.
2. Detroit Pistons - I am sure the new Del album on Def Jux is going to pretty decent too. But definitely not one of the best of the year.
3. Chicago Bulls - At least you guys have the juke phone now.
4. Toronto Raptors - Chris Bosh could carry this team even higher, but not as high as I could have.
5. Orland Magic - The happy ending team, with the interesting subplot of did many inches will Hedo grow during the season.
6. Cleveland Cavaliers - Could be higher depending on Bron Bron, but the rest of the team still sucks.
7.Washington Wizards - The most popular team with the bloggers.
8.) New Jersey Nets - Actually the seven and eight seeds could be either the Wiz, Nets, Knicks, or Bucks depending on injuries, and the usual crazy shit that happens during season, but for gut instinct I am going to go with the divas on this one.
beat pervert - scissor test is dead Boris - Huge neotrpic - inch inch (remix) lil wayne - I feel like dying dead meadow - heaven amon duul - paramechanische welt boredoms - omega do make say think - ? boards of canada - the color of fire sigur ros - track 8 mia ft. bun b and rich boy - paper planes (remix) add n to x - fyuz (beat pervert calmin ya ass down edit) UFO - Star Storm faust - don't take roots squarepusher - ultravistor biggie smalls - party and bullshit pink floyd - on the run antithesisters - eddie winslow joy division - she's lost control my bloody valentine - sueisfine famlay - beeper/ Roni Size- Brown Paper Bag (drunk and focused posse blend) wes fi - haterz (sinden remix) electric company - ? eat cloud - satanic booty bass dj spinna and dj rashad - girl bust down bad brains - how low can a punk get germs - no god suicidal tendencies - institutionalized slowdive - soulvaki space station spaceman 3 - walking with jesus evaredy - just a rap mix from the king of panacake booty Mango Meat - Mandrill Straight out the Jungle - The Jungle Brothers Check Yo Self (message remix) - Ice Cube If it ain't ruff - N.W.A. A star in the ghetto - Average White Band and Ben E. King Now they wanna see me - Percee P and Ekim Ya mama (baka boyz remix) - The Pharcyde Step to the Rear - Brand Nubian Step up Front - Positive K Step to me - Diamond D C'mon - Ultimate Force ft. Fat Joe Black with N.V. - Black Sheep Whatcha Want? - Nine Strong Island - JVC Force Crossover - EPMD Hold the Lafta - Bizzie Boys It's Up To You (Television Mix) - Coldcut and Steinski Beats and Pieces - Coldcut and Steinski The Bay-Bronx Bridge - Masters of Illusion Watch me Now - Ultramagnetic MC's Message from the Boss - Ultramagnetic MC's Whirlwind Pyramid - The D.O.C. Lend me an Ear - The D.O.C. Don't Scandalize Mine - Sugar Bear Venus - Slick Rick Eye Know (The Know it All Mix) - De La Soul Peg - Steely Dan
Catch me and evaredy thursday night at the Red Door from 9-1 playing funk, soul, pysche, post punk, rap, bmore, house, juke etc all night long. We are celebrating our good looks tonite cause we are those hot young studs everyone has been talking about.
