Saturday, December 31, 2005

In 2005 you might have been caught up for no reason

It's 2006 and drunk and focused is already for the new year, I am talking big tings, more updates, more nonsense, more music, less being drunk and more being focused. 2005 was a wierd year for me, not gonna lie some real good things happened, but overall I am glad to see it go. Fresh Starts are needed. Anyway before we begun the nonsense here lets tie all the loose ends of 2005. First off is an article I wrote for a paper around my way called the Wire, yes some of that Proper Journalism I am now known to do once in awhile, I am saying proper grammer, research, and the ability to be drunk and focused at the same time. The article is on blogs and features interviews with that sally serg from beer and rap, one of houstin's finest Matt Sonzala of Houston So Real andthe radio show damage control, Byron Crawford, and my homeboy Chris Lemon Red, by the way happy birthday mayne, whose killing it in brooklyn these days. Anyway its all in the article and I bunch of links to blogs I check on the regular.
throw another blog in the fire.

Also in the 2006 be on the lookout for Serg's beer and rap holiday zine, I done got an article in there detailing an epic battle between 90210 and Dawson's Creek and 8 things I hate about us white folks. Also be checking back on the blog in 2006 for I am doing a retrospective of the first season of Dawson's Creek, I ain't fessin about that either, It's gonna be lionel ritchie hot.

Now onto the first post of the new year and its just some music I been listening to lately, ain't no top list of 2005 or some nonsense, I am saying serg already hit the nail on the head at so many shrimp with Stay fly, I am saying Stay Fly is the best song of the 20 05 and thats all you need to know. Anyway we gonna start with my favorite beach boy's albulm Pet Sounds. Nothing beats very depressive but realy poppy music, its wierd dynamic that works really well.

hang on to your ego.

wouldn't it be nice.

you still believe in me.

Next is a couple other tracks I been digging thats a little bit poppy. The first comes from Hymie's Basement (the albulm put out by Why? and Andrew Broder of Fog and ninja tune fame). Its called 21st Pop Century Pop Song and its about fun things like survivng a nuclear bomb.

21st century pop song.

Next is some rap music by freestlye fellowship before they fell off and started doing soundtracks for You Got Served and video game basketball soundtracks. This is for no reason and a song I really love for reasons most of y'all wouldn't understand.

For No Reason.

Last is a folk implosion song called nothing gonna stop. This song sounds ridicolously similar to a silver apples song which you can here in this mix I did in the summer ( a couple folks been asking me to repost this and since its now 2006, which means drunk and focused now cares about our reader's needs, I will honor their request, but still fuck yo couch you goddamn honkies, plus here is the link for tracklist and orginal post Orange Jubilee for breakfast to get me through the day mix here)
Nothing's gonna stop

To end 2005 I am gonna leave you all with a poem written by homie Fhrate, who passed away during this past summer. My man should have been the next great writer, he had the talent, and stories you wouldn't believe. But unfortunately his demons got the best of him. I will pour out one last maddog for him and then put that shit to rest. It 2006 and everything done changed.

The adverse effects of daily drinking become apparent after a few weeks: diminished appetite, subsequent malnutrition, nausea when one hasn’t had a drink, tremors or shaking hands, and anxiety. In advanced cases of prolonged drinking one might experience sensitivity to light and sound, especially bright light and sudden, unexpected or sharp sounds. Also irritability, agitation and...

A fifth of Mad Dog used to get me buzzed.
I’m up to about two-and-a-half fifths a night now.
Last evening I drank over a six-pack of tall cans and didn’t get drunk.
Nor did I get to sleep.
I haven’t slept in a while now.

We have a routine around here;
my roommate and I drink til about midnight
then he goes to bed.
I’d go to bed, but I haven’t got one.
Couldn’t sleep if I did.

Money’s gotten scarce lately,
now I have to sit up and nurse the same 40-ounce for hours.
It’s alcoholic psychology,
so long as I have a drink in my hand
it affords me a little comfort.
Otherwise I begin to panic
if there is no liquor
in the house .

On a good night I may have two 40's.

My malt liquor of choice has become so vile,
as to affront my embattled, food-deprived stomach,
that I have to cut the bitter liquid with water
to make it more agreeable.

I pour Camo in a glass and add ice cubes
but drunks do not make good homemakers
and the ice cube tray is often empty.
Instead of making a new tray of ice
I use the available ones sparingly.
One, two, three plop down into my tumbler
careful not to splash
thereby losing the precious contents
of my cup.

My roommate sleeps,
the apartment building sleeps
the world sleeps.
except for me
and my constant companion
a wide screen television.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart is hilarious
but I’m not laughing.
Strangers With Candy just isn’t as funny
when you’ve been up for four days.

After a week,
in vain, I tried
Valerian root,
Sominex and
Olde English in a futile
sleepy-time cocktail.

One night I took an amitriptyline
and got some blessed sleep for
about two hours.
Then was wide awake again.
There was no off-switch
for the live wire that was my mind.

My mind buzzes and races
(going nowhere)
it’s like a battery that wont
shut off.
4 o’clock, 6 o’clock...
Cursed sun rises.
Roommate will be up soon.

I am an alcoholic vampire
retreating to the cool comfort
of my darkened wardrobe vault,
but no solace is found -
live wire mind does not shut off,
deformed thoughts torture me.
Alcoholic cells beg for a sip
to quench the fire that smolders
and burns a hole in my mind’s
cataract clouded, idiot eye.

Roommate will be up soon.
Shame drives me into my closet cave,
to lie upon my 1-inch foam mat
and cover myself with splayed and open
mummy bag.
I am the Mummy,
fortified by endless fifths of Mad Dog,
countless quarts of rum, whiskey and Dr. Pepper
and untold gallons of Chillable Red.

Insomnia is not daunted by daylight.
Up is up.
Sleep is fleeting.
Even a nightmare would be welcome
in this dreamless world of no rest.

The mind reels.
red-rimmed eyes squint
against the wrath of

Roommate will be gone soon.

Insanity looms like a mosaic pall
and is accented and realized
in clouds of kind green smoke.

My mind is a hateful playground
for dark and scampering things.
Little goblin girls teeter-totter
on the edge of my frayed psyche.

A huge and despicable creature
lives in the corner of the closet
in my room.
It wears my clothes and turns
the pages of graffiti magazines
and books I bought
and smokes the same brand cigarettes
when I (we) can afford it.

It is a pathetic wastrel
blanketed in a transient’s sleeping bag
and clothed in
humiliation, nervousness,
fear and self loathing.

A semi-nude, deranged
and dehorned satyr
who’s abused his lord’s gift
and suffers mightily
in the face of his
Bachnallian reprisal.

“Woe unto the drunkard.”

A wretched sod
who exists in the twilight,
jaundiced skin stretched
over fidgeting bones.

He curses those who can get a moments peace.

“Sleeping Beauty is a lying whore
who masturbates chemical burned
motorcycle enthusiasts in their
aluminum siding trailer homes
for soma suppositories.

Rip Van Winkle is a junky
who fellates unseen Chinamen
in otherworldly opium dens
for Demerol enemas.

The Sandman is a pusher
who doesn’t come to my
since I traded natural sleep
for bourbon induced comas.”

God I’m tired.
So, so tired...

Roommate will be home soon.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Jacking for advice

I got the advice world shook and I am jacking your questions bitches. I'll jack anyone be it Savage, abby, or even bitch ass dr. phil. (but mostly abby for this column holler at an old whore won't you)

jacked from savage love:
I love my husband SO much, but I have this male friend at work that I just really click with. He is really funny and nice and witty. He was really down in the dumps a couple of weeks ago because his grandmother, whom he was really close with, had just died. He came into my office and I was talking to him about it and comforting him. I started hugging him, and the next thing you know, I was giving him a handjob. I wasn't even thinking about it—I just did it. Then I honestly thought, "I don't want to make a mess in here," so I swallowed his come. Now I don't know what to do. We are still just friends, but I can't decide if I should tell my husband about the "incident." Can you help me?
Just One Break

Savage said some nonsense that finished with him watching his bf jack off this dude and then him slapping his bf. Or something like that but come on mayne you can't ask a gay dude about this shit, them dudes are on a whole nother level of spite. So I am saying what you should do is tell your man the nasty shit you did and the next thing he knows he is calling you a trifling slut. Then what your whore ass does is you comfort him, then you start jacking him off and you swallow his seed. After you swallow his seed you say don't you feel better now. Then if the dude has any balls he throws you out on the street and you can go swallow your supposed nice co workers seed all you want, well thats after everyone at the cooler stops laughing at you for being so goddamn dumb. Seriously how dumb a tile (slang for cunt) do you have to be to fell for the dead grandma shit and then give dude a blowjob. I am saying every dude knows you know luh da cock, like trick daddy luh da kids.

Jacked from Dear Abbey,

I just graduated from college with an EE degree, and have managed to snag a job in the embedded industry. I bought a new car and one of those big-screen TVs, and am planning a vacation in Monaco. My dad is really furious with me and wants me to stuff all of the cash in the bank rather than have a good time. Now he’s talking about kicking me out of the house. After 4 years of college, don’t I deserve all of the goodies?


Still Living Off The Hog

If you like the lavish things in life go to monaco, quit your job and become a stripper. The money will be good for a couple years, you'll be able to aford a new apartment, and all those vacations if you willing to go the extra mile in the champagne room. This should keep you living off the hog at least until your coke addiction gets to be too much. Then you whore yourself out for a bit with a drug dealer named Ralph. After that go back to your dad and blaime it all on him and tell him the monaco trip was still worth it.

Dear Abbey,

My colleagues all want to adopt eXtreme Programming (XP). It sounds pretty good to me because I get to code a lot more. Design is boring, and the boss sure is happy to see us crank code. We build autopilots for commercial jets. What do you think?

Who the fuck asks a skeleton that was born at the turn of the century some bullshit question about computer programming. I bet your the same type of dude that tries to pick up broads by saying you just bought the Sith happens dvd pack and have a room full of action figures in the plastic. Seriously what the fuck kind of question is this? What do I think, I think you need to get fucking laid. Get the fuck out of here with that type of question you david chauncy ass bitch.

My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? --CAROL

Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

Abby you senile whore shut the fuck up. First of all if I ever got a fucking tie for my birthday I will slap that bitch so hard our kids we'll be seeing double. Fucking tie, what are we sitting on it to potsie. This ain't happy days, that drunk miaygi ain't making hamburgers at Arnolds, and if you think a tie is a good gift you need a good deep dicking to wake you up out of your slumber. Dude's 20 this is what he wants a bottle of hard booze, a cd, and a blowjob (possibly anal if you been dating more than 2 years). That will keep him happy, or maybe a videogame and tickling his balls if you haven't been dating that long. But a fucking tie shut the fuck up abby.

Do you think about dying much? --CURIOUS

No, it's the last thing I want to do.

Wait a minute Dear Abby isn't dead yet?

I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy- three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? --ANNIE

Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

Ummm I got one pill for you viagra. Grandpas can fuck forever now. You should buy him a whore out of loyalty. Come on he's 73 he needs some new pussy before he dies. In fact this is what should happen the whore who gives blowjobs when grandparents die should come visit this grandpa, give him a blow job he will never forget and then leave. That will be her pennance for being whore, hell she could even blow the computer programming nerd, and then everyone will be happy. Fuck these advice columnists I run shit in this realm.

Now here's some mp3s for the kids that hate advice columns but luh da free shit

z-trip and dj P - live on Groovetech 2000

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Gauntlet: Well this is just embarassing

First things first I missed the begining of the gauntlet because well I was high and watching the dynasty that is the patriots roll over the jets. Anyway I didn't miss anything because when I turned it on they were in the midst of their mission which was bascally the equivilant of cheerleaders practicing their pyramid on pcp. I think the basic goal of the mission was to walk in pyramid form and collect flags or some shit. Anyway the rookies are in the lead and just sit on it like potsie (hey wu tang references happy days, which means so can I). Basically they underestimated the veterans and one time jobber(thats code word for dude who sucks and is usually voted off early) Ace turns in an mvp like performance as the veterans go up 2-1. During the mission apparently jody took a dick out of her mouth to yell at danny for being a fucking sally. Danny than has a temper tantrum reminiscent of an old man trying to return soup at a deli and is voted in the gauntlet to face the team captain alton in a beach brawl. Basically this was embrassing, this mission goal is to push you opponent out of a small ring. Basically this shit was like Big Jon Stud and king kpng bundy versus Barry Horowitz, and danny ended up being made to look like the sally who throws hissy fits as Alton prevails with ease and is still captain. Yep thats pretty much what happened. Next week I am prediciting big tittied robyn goes into the gauntlet and loses.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

A Gauntlet of Bitches

First things first its been a long time, I should not have left without a dope beat to step to. Well actually fuck you, I left you with dude justin and he gave you not one but 6 dope beats to step to. Sure they might be German but they fucking rule. I know I took a week off but shit what I get paid for comes first and I was holed up drinking maddogs for an article about beverly hills 90210 and dawsons creek, plus the 8 things I hate about white people for Serg's Beer and Rap Holiday Zine. As well as an article for a local paper around my way about fucking blogs, yes they paid me to write about this shit here. Anyway its Tuesday morning which means its time for my loyal followings favorite new segment: the gauntlet.

Allright so anyway before I started writing this I went to the local store 24 for some coffee, eggs, and a bottle of maddog. The cashier who knows me because of my maddog consumption yelled at me for not checking the eggs to make sure they were good and then checked them for me while telling me I always check to make sure the bottle is full etc, and soon I am gonna be on an all liquid diet. I am saying nothing like a convience store worker to point out you'se a bit of a drunk.

Anyway you think that intro was lackluster and not worth the hype? Well it was to mimic last nights gauntlet. First of all from the commercial it looked fucking intense; they were bitches boxing, bitches yelling and bitches just generally being bitches. But then it opens with the boxing which was just some drunken fun. I mean ruthie and kina boxed like it was a fixed fight in Germany. They were just tipsy and bored, where was the drama. Where was the ripping off of each others clothes, and titties flying. Where was the sexy ringside girl cara carrying round cards? So fucking disappointed in that. Anyway they end that segment and pick up with the rookies captain Kina, who I can't tell if I should get hard over or just hate, and her bitch ass bf. In fact he doesn't have a name other than bitch ass bf. Dude your whipped by a cunt on a reality show, there is nothing much more pathetic than that. I am saying he checked in his balls before this series started because it doesn't take common sense to see the bitch in him. Anyway Captain Kina was complaining how upset she would be if she left the show and her bitch stayed on. Pretty much saying bitch if I get voted off this show and you don't leave as a sign of how much I have made you my bitch you will not be getting this pussy anymore.

The challenge for the show itself was some team building shit, you know like the shit they put RA's through because they know nobody else in the world will do something so fucking dumb. Like just fall off the ladder we will catch you, just trust us, we love you or some nonsense. Anyway boring mission short the veterans tie it up which leads to the vaunted gauntlet. Cameron, you know medium sized southern girl with big boobies, is voted in. And showing her vagina doesn't stop between her legs decides to forfeit her chance to battle kina and lets kina win. This did lead to some nice bitchery though as Aneesa, you know the bulldyke that looks like a cross between dennis rodman and wesley snipes with blonde hair in demolition man, starts saying what a pussy Cameron is etc, etc. Which leads to playboys finest Cara telling her to stop snitching or shut the fuck up, which leads to wesley snipes in blonde hair to flip the fuck out and yell loudly for a couple minutes to thoroughly entertain me. Anyway it ends with Kina staying captain and me leaving unsatisfied like aneesa had just given me a lap dance. I am saying bring back coral for the crazy black bitch, at least she had some massive titties to look at.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Krautrock For the Masses.

First of all, allow me to address something. What's up with this bullshit of Pat having 198 fucking profile views and me only having 24 for the past fucking month?!? What, I'm not interesting?!? You download my mp3s, but don't care about me as a person?!? My thoughts?!? My feelings?!?

I'm just kidding....I'm actually a robot.

Hi everyone. I know you're all incredibly eager to wrap your heads around the final installment of musical awesomeness that is "Hooked on Rock 'n' Roll Phonics," but I've decide to let the excitement build for just a little longer. But fear not! I come bearing gifts....of rock 'n' roll! That's right, rock 'n' roll Santa has decided to take you all off his "naughty" list and bestow the gift of Can upon the land! If you're not in the know, Can is German for "fucking mind-blowing music that has influenced every musician who's ever heard it." They were a German krautrock band that existed from 1968 to 1973....well, that's when they were consistently amazing. The stuff from after 1973, approach with extreme caution. Some of it's on par with the best music from their hey-day.....some...not so much.
Now, what I'm going to do is give you a small taste of the amazingness that is Can music. I'm gonna post one song from each of their 'hey-day' albums (yes, I'm gonna include Delay 1968 and Soundtracks....don't get your panties in a twist.) That means you get six Can songs to take home and snuggle with! You don't even have to call them the next day!

First up is an absofuckinglutely amazing song from "Delay 1968". Little Star of Bethlehem. This was recorded with the first line-up of the band....with Malcom Mooney. Malcom was an American sculptor with an insanely raspy voice. I generally tend to prefer the Damo Suzuki-era stuff, but damn.....this song kicks all sorts of ass. This is krautrock at its finest. "Correction: the coat-hanger should be up-side down." Fucking A!

Next in the batting order is a song from their 1969 debut "Monster Movie". Father Cannot Yell. The only 'official' album released by the Mooney-era line-up. Jesus christ! Listen to that fucking guitaring!!! Michael Karoli is the patron saint of mind-blowing guitar noise. There honestly is no other human being who can make a guitar sound like that. And the rhythm section?? Holger Czukay (as always) plays the most solid drone-y krautrock bass-lines, and Jaki Liebezeit (for my money) is quite possibly the greatest drummer to ever even LOOK at a fucking drum-kit. The man was legitimately a human drum machine. Do you now realize how bad-ass Can used to be?!?

Now we have a song from their 1970 release "Soundtracks". Don't Turn the Light on, Leave Me Alone. This is where we first get a taste of Damo Suzuki. Man, what a welcome change! Don't get me wrong, I love Malcom to death, but he can't hold a candle to Damo's insane quadrilungual mumblings. That's right! FOUR LANGUAGES! And one of them is gibberish!! I was gonna put Mother Sky here but, as amazing as that song is (and it is), it's 14 minutes long. Not only would that be a bitch for me to post, it'd also be a bitch to Mother Sky always gets all the props for this album and that's just not right. This song deserves some accolades, too.

Batting clean-up, we have a song from Can's 1971 official debut with Damo, "Tago Mago". Oh Yeah. If you don't have this album, go out and buy it RIGHT NOW! I'll wait 'til you get it? Ok, good. This is quite possibly my favorite Can song. It's got backwards vocals! And that beat! Hooooo-eeee!! And that creepy organ back-drop! And possibly some of Michael Karoli's greatest guitar playing. I love this song more than life.

Next to last, we have a song from the 1972 album "Ege Bamyasi". Vitamin C. I know every DJ from here to Bangkok samples the shit out of this song, but I don't care. I'm posting it anyhow.....because I love this song. One listen to it, and you'll see EXACTLY what I meant by that "Jaki Liebezeit = human drum machine" comment.

Lastly, but not leastly, we have a song from 1973's "Future Days". Future Days (the title track, duh). This song is totally beautiful. Those water splashing and bird sound effects are amazing. I think this song contains my favorite musical moment of all time. About 6:54 into the song (about 2 minutes after the guitar starts playing) the guitar plays a phrase and on the last note, the bass kicks in hard, playing the same note the guitar ends with. I can't quite explain why, but I find that to be the most musically transcendent moment I've ever heard.

Well, there you have it. Now, I command unto thee, go out into the land, my children, and spread the gospel of Can!
(Sidenote: Whomever is complaining about lack of punctuation/proper grammar/spelling skills obviously hasn't been reading my articles. I actually use apostrophes! That shit's REAL, motherfucker! Commas!)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

A gauntlet of man balls

Ahh the gauntlet proved to be kind of ehh this week. It starts off with the craziest cast member this side of the black dude from the LA(side note that dude used to be on In Living Color around the same time chris rock was saying 'thats a whole lotta money') Jo leaving the show after flipping out and calling the cops saying that everyone was manhandling her. When the crazy mormon thinks your crazy, your fucking crazy. That ends with out too much fanfare and jo being taking away by the tobago's finest. Since she was captain they chose a new one, I think kina or something, some brunette, most of the white people on the show look alike to me so I could be mistaken her with another skinny big tittied cast member. The challenge for this week was called chock full of coconuts, which name was supposed to be chock full of sexual innuendo, get it coconuts look like boobs (or maybe man balls) so its edgy, they are all handling man balls. Anyway surprisingly the veterans were dumb enough to think having two girls go together would be a good idea. I am saying usually girls are great at holding man balls but you also forget their weak and have a much smaller brain than their male counterparts. Anyway long challenge short the rookies won the man ball carrying contest and the crazy mormon had a nice little pycho breakdown splashing around in the ocean (side note how creepy is when they cut to a normal interview of her and she has a smile that says if you don't love jesus I will bomb your fucking abortion clinic you fucking heathen, I am saying in 10 years she will either be leading a cult to mass suicide or doing 25-life for manslaughter of a cast member).

Since the veterans lost they needed to send their captain adam into the gautlet. As they were deliberating they decided they would do a secret ballot. Derick (you know the dude with little man syndrome) bugged out saying it shouldn't be private yadda yadda, thus ensuring he would be voted in now. Anyway it was a secret ballot and yes LMS went into the ganutlet. The gauntlet was bascially lets grab each others coconuts and hump each other (I am saying watch it on mute and I am sure thats what it breaks down too) Anyway LMS won and he is now Captain LMS which should lead to some great useless drama and at least one small penis joke a week from us good folks at drunk and focused.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Baby take the tv but leave the pussy

First things first RIP to Richard Pryor. The man was one of the most funny and real dudes there was. As Chris Rock said if Eddie Murphy was the father of comedy Richard Pryor was the granddad. Y'all get some richard pryor when your women leaves you standup here: Richard Pryor - When Your Women Leaves You

Next I was watching big in 05 last night when it hit me that Mencina, you know of the awful mind of mencina show, is the mexican Larry the Cable Guy. Basically they both play stereotypes and do lame race jokes. Blah Blah insert easy race joke here. Blah Blah. Git R Done. I am a mexican can I water your lawn?, or I am fat redneck and I want to fuck my sister. And you dumb motherfuckers, yes you, you, and especially you are making these motherfuckers get paid hand over hand. I don't care if you do race jokes, Chappelle is the new king of this and he does it well cause he is actually funny, but my problem is neither of these motherfuckers are funny, and I don't care who you are thats not funny. Anyway here is David Cross's response to larry the cable guy it pretty funny and he calls him out for being a rich dude from Nebraska. Read that shit here: open letter to git r done

Next things next a lot of people been saying yo why does drunk and focused have such horrible punctuation (also throw in coherency, structure, grammar, spelling, and a blatant disregard for the reading audience). And I say mostly cause most of these were written after drinking a bottle of maddog and the brutal fact that I don't give a damn about you cyber dorks on the internet. I need to be paid for semi colons and that nonsense. So until somebody wants to pay me for this shit it will continue to be the vulgar, crude, and putting my English BA to horrible use to provide you with the bullshit you came to love and expect. Plus proper grammar is for pussies. Excuse me the use of proper grammar is for pussies. There I feel better, now on to some mp3s. But before that be on the look out for dude justins third and final installment of pysche rock and more Can mp3s than you can shake a stick at in the coming weeks. But for now here are a couple bloc party remixes and some older Slim Thug shit with ESG

bloc party - helicopters (diplo remix)

bloc party - banquet (four tet remix)

Esg and Slim Thug - Get Ya Hands Up

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The inferno: Family Friendly Edition

We here at drunk and focused figure you have busy lives and can't enjoy the finer things in life such is the joy of the Inferno II which puts mtv lifers in various missions to produce a show that resembles survivor, if survivor was played on the playboy network and all the contestants were willing to whore themselves out for another 15 minutes of fame and avoid the real world where you need a steady job. (college kids refer to this phenomenon as grad school, and by the way I am all for it). As usual the inferno is used to create ridiculous drama with a bunch of pretty retards. I am saying most of these girls IQ can't compete with their bust size, and I thank mtv everyday for this (on a side note how fucking busted did jisela look? For those who don't remember jisela was the first person ever voted off road rules, she then resurfaced on an episode of real world with the dude with the huge afro who used to wear roots shirts to show he was down with hip hop. Dude needed to listen to eazy e to see how one treats a ho like jisela, that dummy thought he could turn a ho into a housewife.) Anyway you have the usual suspects on the mission including big tittied robyn, big tittied Ibis, big tittied Kina, medium sized tittied cameran, always horny jodi, a mormon jesus freak who tried to kill veronica named julie, and the ohh shit I saw you naked in playboy Cara

As for the dudes you have a lot of tools and schmucks including "Hey I am forty but I guess that's cool since I was on the first road rules" Mark, then you got Lionel Ritchie Ain't fessin Adam (who looks like bababooie from howard stern fame), then you got I take everything too seriously because my penis is four inches Derrick, and a whole lotta of other douchebags that can remain nameless. Basically the first show was a challenge to see who will be teams captain in the form of an old school wwf battle royal. I had king kong bundy favorite. Anyway the rookie dudes battled it out in something that could be described as vaguely homoerotic for frat kids worldwide with Alton coming out on top (alton is the black dude from Las Vegas). The veteran dudes realized that instead of kicking each other's asses they would just play rock, paper, scissors because they realized they are old or some shit and or pussies with Adam became captain (I think he became captain and honestly I have no fucking clue who adam is other than he was on a road rules which I never watched cause road rules is usually pretty lame and he is not the adam whose dad is one of lionel ritchie's back up singers, side note Nicole ritchie loves to puke now true?). The veteran girls kinda duked out with that mormon whore taking a nice gash to the forehead, and everyone's favorite drunk ruthie winning it all. Then the rookie girls went at it doing the same rock, paper, scissors bullshit the old dudes did with Jo coming out on top, Jo who you might be asking who the fuck is that and thats Jo Mama to you (burn). Nah but really jo is the tile that took over for puck on real world san francisco, aka one of the last shows where really ugly people were shown(I am saying rachel from the new cast was pretty much busted but compared to that blonde haired girl from the real world san francisco she was actually somewhat hot). Jo is a huge cunt in general from what I remember from that real world and she wasted no time in proving she was a cunt. First things first if you sign up for one of these challenges you know what your getting into. Anyway one of their first nights there is Mark's 43rd birthday which is of course a great night for an orgy to breakout. Basically what happens is a lot of drinking and fucking and jo sitting there going I hate this, these people are gross etc. Then the bitch breaks out to call her sally english father on the phone to be like wah wah wah these people are animals who only drink and fuck etc, (seriously what the fuck did she expect going on this challenge? I am saying your surrounded by good looking tools that only now how to do three things: drink, fuck, and make complete asses of themselves for my enjoyment.) Anyway Jo freaks the fuck out because there is left over chocolate syrup in her room which she assumes was used in a sex orgy (In reality they just tried to cover 4 inch penis in it after he passed out after drinking 6 bud lights). Anyway she starts flipping out and starts to pack, my favorite lush ruthie comes in to be like what the fuck, and jo is like you touch me I call the cops. The show ends on her freaking out and probaly an orgy in the living room they never show. Anyway next week the cops come and jo proves she is absolute nut and cunt.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Dear abby you are a senile whore and yes sixty four dollar cologne bitch!

First things first congrats to Pimp C fo getting parole (and thaks to serg for the banner above, them stickers are coming soon). When I mused that I wished they would free pimp c a couple posts ago so bun b wouldn't have to rap about it anymore I was just kidding. But Judy Blume (thats gawd margaret don't forget it) figured she would answer my prayers and after writing the book "Pimp C and Margaret: Blood and Blood a True Love Story" the parole board realized this is not a man you should have behind bars. I was gonna post up a bunch of ugk tracks, well at least murder, but I can't find those so I am just gonna post one pimp c track so all you white people can go ohh, I know pimp c is, he's the dude on big pimpin.
Jay z and Underground Kingz - Big Pimpin

Lastly I been thinking who needs to be on blast and then it hit me: Abigail Van Fucking Buren that fucking holier than though cunt, Van buren what are you a fucking president's wife huh, get the fuck outta here with your nonsense and victorian name. You dumb tile( tile is the nice way of saying cunt, beleive me its useful) you fell off of the advice world in 1977 deal with it. So since dear abby sucks I decided I will hijack her questions, its like jacking for beats, and give them advice they can actually use in 2005.

DEAR ABBY: What is the official Dear Abby position on screaming children in restaurants? My husband took my mother and me to a family restaurant to celebrate our birthdays, and two children from different families were screaming their lungs out. One of them, a child about 3, alternately screamed, begged, whined and threw tantrums the whole time. The other child was much younger, but seemed to be keying off the other child.
Abby, it was horrible! Our server could hardly hear us to take our order -- and I'm not exaggerating. We could not enjoy our dinner because of the piercing shrieks coming from both sides of the restaurant. Had I done that when I was little, my mother would have taken me outside, if only to make the atmosphere more pleasant for the other diners. The family with the older child ignored his behavior. This seems to happen more and more often, I've noticed. The family finally left, but both my husband and I had splitting headaches from the noise. What, if anything, could we have done? The other diners were as uncomfortable as we were. -- WISH I'D HAD EARPLUGS, DECATUR, ALA.

This is that whore abby's response: DEAR WISH: Your party should have canceled your orders and celebrated the occasion at another restaurant once you realized the parents had no intention of intervening. Something similar happened to my husband and me one night recently. The manager of the restaurant tolerated the disruption for approximately 10 minutes, then he approached their table and informed the parents they must stop the ruckus or take their large party and leave. When the door swung shut behind them, the entire restaurant broke into applause.

Fuck that cancel my order and celebrate at another restaurant that is fucking nonsense and definately not keeping it real. This is how I would answer the question.

Dear wish you would stop being such a pussy: First things fist tell those little spawns of satan to shut the fuck up. Children respond well when you walk up to them with a knife and stroke it while saying you know your favorite animal at home, yeah the dog whiskers with the floppy ears isn't he so cute, well if you don't stop crying and acting like a little bitch I am gonna chop his head off with this knife. Then you pat him on the head and tell the parents what a beautiful child they have. If that doesn't work you break into chappelle keepin it real steez, you know like when you walk away from 70 million and another season of chappele show so you won't have to breakout another catchphrase that frat kids won't stop using like 'I am rick james bitch."
And break a bottle and go to the parents and walk up behind the father going "I am gonna cut you fucker, cut you fucker, get yo damn kids in line, and yes fuck yo couch." Usually the parents are so freaked out by now they leave with brats in tow. And before the cops come the entire restaurant gives you a standing applause and your able to eat your onion blossom in peace.

Now for some love advice:

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my boyfriend, "Don," that we can't settle. We both travel for work. He's happy to drive me to or from the airport, although I never ask him to. He feels it's a romantic gesture that couples do for each other when one is away for more than a few days.
Personally, I prefer getting to and from the airport by taxi, bus or subway -- by myself. I don't care if he meets me at the airport, although he wants to. Don travels three or four times a year, but he often arrives at night. Driving to the airport is a stressful burden for me even during the day. I absolutely hate driving at night. Don was recently gone for two weeks. I refused to meet him because he was landing at night and he lives closer to the airport than I do. (Three subway stops and a cab ride.) He said it was the principle of the thing, and if I didn't want to drive, it would mean a lot to him if I took a cab or the subway and met him at the baggage claim. How do I handle this in the future and not feel like a bad person, because I strongly disagree with my boyfriend on this subject. -- STRESSED-OUT CITY DRIVER

DEAR STRESSED-OUT: Because this is important to him, if you love your boyfriend and care about his feelings, extend yourself and make the effort. It's called "giving." If you can't bring yourself to do so, tell him it's a deal-breaker and see if he is willing to lower his expectations. (Frankly, I agree with him. It IS a romantic gesture.

hmmm I am putting myself on blast because i kinda agree with the whore on this but for so many different reasons. Here is my response.

Dear you stressed out selfish cunt: You should feel good instead of fucking asian hookers on his business trip this schmuck is worrying about whether or not you are gonna meet him at the fucing baggage claim. Seriously this dude is whipped and your cunt ass just likes to complain all the time, like ohh its dark I can't drive in the dark. Seriously you are not stressed out, your just a lazy cunt who can't take time out of her busy schedule of watching the True Hollywood Story of Dawson's Creek and eating bon bons and getting fat, than picking up your man at the airport. Seriously you sound like a trifling bitch that this dude should dump. So in essence fuck your lazy ass and give your man a blow job as penance.
Luke ft. Lil jon -some head tonite

(This is the greatest moment and highlight of katie holmes movie career, yes when she showed titties and yes tom cruise has yet to see these in person)
MIA - Bucky Done Gun (MIA reminds me of katie holmes, sure she is a little overrated but there is still something about her regardless of whose she's banging)

Speaking of THS Dawson Creek how thoroughly disappointed was I in this. This was so fucking boring and just a glorified commercial for the fact the katie holmes is supposedly fucking tom cruise. Literally the whole show was like isn't katie Holmes doing great, I mean nah she has never had a breakout movie, no she is not a leading lady, ummm most of her movies have been horrible, but TOMKAT TOMKAT TOMKAT. Seriously this is just more fodder for why I hate the "trapped in the closet" lunatic tom cruise. Basically the show was an advertisement for the virgin mary (thats joey potter cause guess what tom cruise didn't get he pregnant) and tom cruise. Where was the beek's story about the time him and pacey got caught with 3 hookers from mexico, or the time jen put a pineapple in her vagina? Fuck E and fuck this commercial for the virgin mary's supposed love to a four foot midget who believes in aliens.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Yuppies Hate Baile Funk

Sometimes when I dj and I have a wack crowd I like to be an asshole and strictly play for myself. Well let me adjust that I have a residency at a swanky bar that serves 10 dollar drinks (but on my tuesday scissor test weekly I got 2 dollar pbrs for all us dirtbags so come in and keep my night yuppie free, and you will always hear trick daddy over tricky on tuesdays, and just saying the internets favorite blogger lemon red shows up every once and while with me to dj to boot but thats besides the point) and me as the dj has to deal with a lot of yupsters(the yuppies that think they are hipsters and don't realize they are just douchebag yuppies) and then the straight up douche bag yuppies who think you are a jukebox to play to their wack needs( last thing I need is a dude in a ponytail telling me I should play some trip hop from 1995, yeah things I am not playing tricky, hell yeah I'll play trick daddy, ohh you meant tricky go fuck yourself) First things first if your a patron at the bar don't ask me to play these artists ever: thievery corp, mark farina's mushroom jazz series, braziil filia or whatever the fuck its called, and never kruder or dorfmeister. We have enough shitty house djs that play those mixes that I don't need to play that shit. Its nice my whole steez is I won't play what ever shittty house dj's play, so I don't need to bite wack djs.(A whole side note who the fuck is making the tracklistings for these supposed chill out mixes? Is that floety on your fucking tracklist so you can give yourself a hip hop edge. Seriously fuck you. Just cause you play a shitty Scion type hip hop track doesn't make you hip, it just makes you seem like even more of a fucking tool) Give me a break I will skeet skeet all over thievery corps record collection and hell throw the simon and garfunkle looking kruder and dorfmeister and I will skeet on their faces too. So which leads me to last night where we had virtually no crowd and just a bunch of douchebag yuppies who wanted to hear beastie boys songs. So before I gave them there beasties I gave myself a solid hour of baile funk and here are some of the tracks I played. All the tracks I am posting came off the Funk Neurotic 23 albulm and no I have no fucking clue whose the artist on any track or what the songs are named (if you do hit a white boy up and give him so info, I live in nh its 35 degrees out and the only booty I see is on white girls.)

Track 4

Track 14

Track 17

Track 18

track 26

Track 28

Another beautiful thing about latin music in general ( and yes I am talking even about latin house and yes fuck ya couch you dummy ain't all latin house bad) is that you get your portuguese teacher to dance wicked sexual to it while your djing at the club which leaves you in return being wicked akward. I am saying what do you say to your teacher after you see her "enjoying" the music for a few minutes causing you to have an you can't leave the dj booth for a bit for fear of pulling a will ferrell anchorman moment (I am saying y'all would be impressed but that is besides the point). I am saying its awkward but goddamn now you know why I took Portuguese in college. Anyway those tracks should seduce any Portuguese teacher and piss off any yuppie, which in reality is the best of both worlds.