Tuesday, February 28, 2006

BIATCHHHH....Blow the whistle

Things that are not disappointing the new Too Short single "Blow ur whistle." Things that are thoroughly disappointing last night's gauntlet which featured too short's favorite word, and the only word to describe beth, biatcch, bitching out in the gauntlet. But anyway before we get to that there was a challenge to have two people climb up a ladder on opposite ends, and then go on a platform where their is a rope and each person has to climb over the platform, which moved depending people's body weight, and go down the opposite side to the water, and swim to the side to complete the mission. Beth isn't eve able to climb up the ladder but still at the end of the mission, the rookies thought that they had lost it and cunty ass kina was all set for the gauntlet and going against ibis. Than the swerve happened and the rookies find out they actually had won, leaving the veterans to rejoice because that meant beth would be going to the gauntlet. They vote in aneesa, a cross between wesley snipes in demolition man and grace jones, to a gauntlet is beach brawl, which makes aneesa very , very happy, we're talking leaping and up and clicking heels happy like plug 2 from de la soul in the stakes is high video.

The gauntlet begins as grown up wee man, TJ Lavin, tells the rules of the brawl before Beth declares beach brawl is not dignified enough for her so she won't participate. This gets a what the fuck? This is a 14 year veteran of reality tv star that's older than bret farve and makes her money doing rr/rw challenges and playboy, but a beach brawl gauntlet is not dignified enough for her? Ummmm that's like a porn star saying she won't let a guy cum on her face after she had just participated in a scene with DVDA (double anal and double vagina). That porn star is beth and she is a biiaaaaatchhhhh!!!!! No for something good here is a new too short track called "Blow Your whistle."

too short - blow ur whistle

Monday, February 27, 2006

Toned Down Mardi Gras? Not at Drunk and Focused!

This years Mardi Gras will be toned down and smaller than usual due to the tragic and unfortunate events of Hurricane Katrina. However, here at Drunk and Focused we will be celebrating Mardi Gras in full effect with a brand new Tuesday Scissor Test at the Red Door in Portsmoth, NH and with some older but classic New Orleans music.

No Limit

No limit is some of my favorite shit ever. It reminds me of being a little kid riding my bike to go play basketball in Stoneham, MA. Check it out:

Master P - "Sellin Ice Cream"

Tru - "That's How We Break Bread"

Master P - "How G's Ride"

-P can rap and he'll cross you up too!

Cash Money

I pretty much feel the same about Cash Money as No Limit. Early Cash Money just puts me in that place of being a kid and just not giving a fuck. Check it out:

B.G. - "I know"

Hot Boyz - "We on Fire"

Juvenille - "HA Remix" Ft. Jay-Z

Lil Wayne - "You Want War"

-Hot Boy$ when they were still rapping together

Sneakers on the wire

Shit I slept on Flavor of Love, that shit is pure genious. Hell what's better than watching the former chuck d side kick, and part time pookie, flavor flav make decent looking broads pimp themselves off to him, culminating in one of the most entertaining reality moments of all time when the crazy white girl named pumpkin, you know the one that hooked up with flav in a shower, flipped out when she didn't receive a clock because flav was upset she was a regular on the reality tv show circuit, which proved to him she wasn't true about her love for flav. Before she left pumpkin spit on the crazy ass bitch known as New York, resulting in a near brawl of titties and fake hair weaves. This is why I watch tv, its like being able to laugh at retards without feeling a little bit bad about it. In honor of flavor flav here is a bunch of rap and the like not, music that you can get truly dumb too and maybe fight a broad or two for the love of a dude who loves crack and the girl from Rocky IV more than he would ever love you.

First up is a new mix from Mad Decent's Diplo featuring the finest in that b more gutta music with b-more versions of the beatles, mr postman, the muppet theme, busta rhymes, super mario brothers and more

mad decent goes to baltimore and doesn't get stole

Next in honor of all the trappers that have sold flav some of that good shit, here is some of that notorious big shit (and no not that duets bullshit which is wack on at least five different levels)
Biggie Smalls - Ten Crack Commandments

Now here is assorted grab bag of rap tunes for the kids
BG and Manny Fresh - Move around

People Under The Stairs ft. Murs - pulp fiction

radioinactive and anti mc - moving truck

Concluding with a b-more club remix of Ti's What you know

TI - What you know (b-more remix)

Scissor Test

My weekly is in full effect with drunk focused "barry horowitz Pat on the back" award winner dealate corvus along with bif rik snm and Plants and Animals tomorrow at the Red Door in Portsmouth. I'll be playing records before, during and after and all night so come out and get drunk for fat tuesday and listen to alot rap music like this

dj jimi - Bounce for the Juvenile

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Fish and Chips

Its sunday which means we are hungover from drinking dollar pints of Guinness to celebrate the snow and jumping out of second floor windows (wonder why dude justin never posts? because he has been perfecting the art of leaping from windows) So a quick post for a mix y'all should definitely check out from the one of best djs from the land of football hooligans and bad teeth, Buddy peace.

Buddy Peace for Prime Minister

Friday, February 24, 2006

"FUCK Fox news I don't listen to y'alls ass."

In honor of Mardi Gras coming up next week (i will do a full blown Mardi Gras post on tuesday) here is some new Juvenile. I believe this is the single from his new album coming out soon. This is one of the best Juvenile songs I have ever heard. The production is straight fire and he comes correct too.

Juvenile - "Get Ya Hustle On"

video - "Juvenile - "Get Ya Hustle On"

This song has a pretty strong message commenting on the results of Katrina. The video is even better. I'm not going to go into a big review of this song, I'll let the song and especially the video speak for itself.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Party and Bullshit

The gauntlet opens with some drankin and partying and then they show Jeremy crying about how everyone gets drunk and he doesn't. (which in return makes him the favorite character of b2 the baptist no brokeback?) Which foreshadows he is going to the gauntlet because its the first time the show has said a damn thang about him this season. The mission was crawling through tires that were suspended above water, and each time a member went through, one tire was let go. The veterans start off and everyone's favorite 36 year old is just beth being beth and quits after about two tires in. The rest of the veterans make it through and the rookies are up. Ibis goes first and has way too much booty for this and falls off. The rest of the rookies make it, which leads alton left to tie it up. And suprisingly alton falls off and the rookies lose. Yes Alton fell off, I know it was like big papi david ortiz not coming through in the clutch, rocky loosing to a filthy commy or hulk hogan losing to the Iragi sgt. slaughter.

It was a male gauntlet and Alton of course picked Jeremy, who was surprisingly shocked. Ummm your the smallest one left homie, nobody really knows or cares about you, and your about to get destroyed by Alton in the gauntlet. The gauntlet was capture the flag and Jeremy knew he had lost before it started. Alton climbs to the top and grabs the flag before the dude who don't like the drank is half way up. Proving Alton might stumble but he will never fall off.

Now onto some music the Streets have a single thats ummm not bad? I don't know I am on the fence with this, I don't hate it but I don't love it either, kinda like his whole last albulm. Anyway judge for yourself
streets - when I wasn't famous

Next Camron's b-day is coming up or just happened, either way I heard he was having a party sunday. Side rant what the fuck happened to ny radio? Holy shit is hot 97 and power whatever are fucking wack now. Shit since when does ny only listen to the pink panther jam, dem franchise boyz, and nelly's grillz? I fucking heard all those songs at least three times in 4o minute drive back and forth from nyc. What the fuck do you guys listen to for radio in NY? Can somebody tell me a good station.
But anyway here is the bird call remix with JR. Dip fans will love it, hipsters will be unsure whether this is a cam song they should like or hate, and will wait for pitchfork to write a 500 word essay on the origins of the term bird call with a works cited page and then decide if its ironic enough to still like camron. My take its middle of the road, no get em girls, but solid albulm filler I won't skip if listening to. I still think JR is overrated though and he is all over this track.
bird call remix

Monday, February 20, 2006

Maddog and Rap

My homie serg runs the Beer and Rap site (beerandrap.com), and if you read my article for the Wire on blogs a couple months back, you know he is one of the few dudes that is trill. Anyway every once and awhile he puts out a hard copy beer and rap zine that is usually pretty shitty but always entertaining. Some kids call it the best magazines out these days that doesn't feature tits and ass but rather bitter rants about hip hop and thangs that get you drunk.(I prefer naked chicks thats just me though) Anyway for the holiday edition of it I wrote a little article for it about my hatred for the white folk and my love fo 90210 and dawson's creek. And cause I took a week off here is the article to once again prove how much I love you, the loyal drunk and focused readers

First things first beer is for pussies so this is the takeover: Maddog 2020 and Rap. Originally this was gonna be a top ten list of things I hate about white folks and when you come from New Hampshire, population white, you have a plenty of hatred for the white folk. But then I realized that's like shooting fish in a barrel so I said fuck that I needed to add something to this. I mean this is the maddog holiday portion of this Goddamn mag. So I figured I just would drink a bottle of maddog and write about how I saved christmas. But that started out with me talking to a drunk santa who was drinking Orange Jubilee and shouting, "All these little fuckers deserve coal. And fuck Jesus. Without me Christmas is the poor man's Hanukah. And if you see the Easter Bunny you tell that motherfucker I want the 200 bucks I loaned him on Valentines days for that hooker that looked like bugs bunny. And yes I don't give a fuck if she gave him the herp, cold sores or not I want my goddamn money." Plus the story ended with jesus getting a blumpkin from Tom Cruise and I figured that might offend people who thought I didn't properly build up to that climax. I am saying story structure is important. So instead I decided to drink another bottle of maddog and write about me and my people’s love for teenage melodrama in the form of 90210 and Dawson's Creek. And for all your rap kids I am gonna do it like a five round battle and at the end there will be one winner and here is the definitive guide to white people's love for teenage melodrama, as well as eight things to hate about us pale faced bastards.
First off is Brendan Walsh versus Dawson Leery: Basically these were the main glue of the show which everything evolved around. But this is really no battle because Brendan Walsh actually got two things Dawson only dreamed about getting: pussy and respect. I am saying Brendan Walsh got more girls than Too Short. Whether the bitch had a kid, was a racist, was the president of his college's daughter, was a professor's wife, was a latino girl from east LA who just wanted to dance, hell she could be a whore like Kelly (you realized she banged Steve, Dylan, and Brendan and not to mention every dude at west beverly by her sophomore year), or his pseudo cousin from Saved by the bell, or even a 30 year old like Andrea Zucherman; all these bitches had one thing in common: they wanted Brendan in their pants. Dawson on the other hand couldn't close the deal with Joey Potter(until a sloppy one night stand in college), ruined his chances of banging the girl from Sweet valley high (you remember the episode where she is giving him head and he crashes his boat), and doesn't bang the local slam pig Jen till college, and to boot after they were dating. I mean this is not even really a battle its so one sided. So 90201 takes the first round with ease.
Dylan Mckay versus Pacey Whitter: Now this is where the battle heats up. Pacey in many ways was seemingly the poor mans Dylan, but that's like calling masta ace the poor man’s big daddy kane. Sure kane started off alot stronger,(kane started off harder than any rapper before him as well) but Masta ace had more consistency and did the best bass track from a dude on the east coast ever entitled “Jeep Ass Nigga.” Jeep ass Nigga or Born to Roll(either version was dope) is one of the best bass tracks period and was the equivalent of Pacey fucking joey potter. I mean lets look at the facts; his freshmen year Pacey lost his virginity to his hot English teacher(and taped it none the less, I am saying that's trill and he lived out every freshmen’s wet dream), plus he deflowered Joey Potter, tore up Andy, and not to mention the sexual escapades with Joey's college dorm mate, and the ridicously hot broad from the Money Magazine when he was rocking a goatee and channeling Ben Affleck's spirit in Boiler Room.(Luckily we will forget the time he frosted his tips) Dylan of course had Brenda, Kelly, the Noxema girl, and a countless other whores. Dylan also was a drunk and was a big fan of the junk. Pacey well, Pacey was a good cook. But in the end Pacey got Joey Potter, and until Tom Cruise ruined Katie Holmes legacy that meant something. So in a close battle Pacey gets the edge to put the Creek and 90210 tied up 1-1.
Joey Potter versus Kelly: Kelly was possibly the greatest character in all of tv for having fucked up shit happen to her. Think about it she was the high school whore, got addicted to diet pills, got raped, got shot, got addicted to coke, was burned in a fire at a rave steve sanders threw while having her first lesbian experience, and got abducted into a cult. The bitch had issues. While Joey Pottter just had great titties. So without a doubt Joey Potter wins this by a landslide. The creek goes up 2-1.

David Silver versus Jack/Jen/Grams: This is a battle of the sidekicks, you know integral members of the show that are not essential. This not even close, think gilbert grape versus magneto. All right Grams hair gets points for unintentional comedy, but overall jack and jen were pretty fucking boring, yes your a slut and your a gay frat dude, awesome. But David Silver was the american dream personified. I mean david fucking silver went from a geek who watched his dorky bestfriend shoot himself in the face, to rolling with the tightest click at west beverly. (this is like Paul Barman going from hanging out with Prince Paul to rolling with G Unit) The he went to college and picked up a speed habit, played keyboard in baby face's band and got crabs from the tour manager like any rock star should (and at least it wasn't the herp), and became a radio dj broadcasting live from the Peach Pit after dark. Plus dude could rap his ass off, hell he once served maestro van fresh and made him cry for saying Degrassi Junior High was the greatest of the teenage melodrama shows. Plus dude deflowered Tori Spelling and with that said were tied up 2-2 into the final round.
The intangibles: 90210 had Steve Sanders and Andrea Zucherman proving 30 year olds could still be in high school. 90210 started the return of the sideburn trend, and even had their own trading cards. Not to mention they spawned one of the greatest spin offs of all time Melrose Place (not surprisingly Kelly fucking jake led to this). Not to mention Joe E. Tata (the mr. miagi of my generation) and the peach pit. After watching E's True Hollywood Story I realized the creek only launched the trend of J. crew clothes and the birth of tomkat. Seriously joey potter ruined the creek with this tomkat nonsense, and any show that brings tom cruise into the limelight loses alot of points. I mean other then the Gift and joey potters titties flying around the intangibles are dominated by the kids from the 90210 area code. And in the deciding round the creek is knocked the fuck out by the 90210 , which proves to be the champ show for white people who love melodramatic teens. And even though I love the 90210 I got to give you readers the top ten things I hate about us pale faces, yes for every Joey Potter we give the world we give you ten things you must hate about us.

Now the top eight things about white people that beat pervert hates:
Sandals: What the fuck is the obsession with white people and showing off their ugly ass feet? Its fucking creepy I tell ya. As soon as it hits 60 and the snow starts to melt we get a bunch of hippies, burnouts, dave mathew's band fans, and bull dykes breaking out their new birkenstocks to pollute my eyesight with bunions and corns. Hell not to mention the bastards that wear their socks with sandals. I am sorry socks with sandals is never a good look unless you want to announce to the world you are a complete douchebag. In fact anyone who wears sandals that are not at either the beach, a pool, or a showering in a dorm's bathroom gets the gas face. So next time you see someone wearing sandals make sure to step on their toes and tell them what an asshole they are. This is the only way we are going to get white people to cover up their goddamn feet and stop embarrassing me.
faux hawks: First of all mohawks themselves are fucking dumb enough. Your not sid vicious and punk rock is dead so cut that shit off. But at least these misguided fuckers have the balls enough to be made fun of for a real reason like they grew out there hair to give themselves a played out haircut, Hell I kind of admire these poor souls because that's like a black dude growing out the kid hi top fade (you know like kid from kid n' play of house party fame). But the faux hawk is what 13 year old kids that listen to good charlotte get, or what some rich sally that's dating paris hilton or some other spoiled whore rocks when he wants to look edgy to a trust fund cunt. I say every time you see a person with a faux hawk you grab a flowbee and you shave that motherfuckers head. Believe me at the end of the day they will thank you for it.

hippies: I am sorry but hippies need to be shot on sight. People don't realize how useless hippies are. For the most part only 25 percent of them have good weed. I am saying people without jobs or motivation, unless they are drug dealers, are gonna have shitty weed. Most hippies are useless on this front, let me correct myself, most hippies are useless in general. Cartman from south park was right hippies need to be stopped once and for all or they will infiltrate America with shitty jam band music. You want to know why phish sell out concerts its because of hippies. So lets end all this jam business for once and all and exterminate all hippies.

emo kids: Only the white man can turn crying into a million dollar business. Fuck you emo kids and your fucking hair. You fucking dumb bastards didn't the 80's teach us what happens when your hair looks that fucking terrible and teased. Your not a member of flock of seagulls so stop wearing your bitch ass hair like that. Seriously has America lost its way so much they we have raised all our kids to be pussies to cry all the time because their gf fucked some dude that wasn't such a pussy? Girls are supposed to be the bitch in the relationship not you. So emo kids need to man the fuck up and cut their fucking hair. We are all gonna be laughing at you and your myspace profiles in 10 years, and I am sure you gonna cry about that shit too you fucking pussies.
Gel: Speaking of hair what the fuck is the obsession with white people and copious amounts of hair gel? I am looking at all you wop motherfuckers whose dads are in the mafia. Stop gelling your hair up and make me some goddamn pizza. What the fuck is up with reverse helmet/mullet shit. You know when you use entire bottle of gel to make your hair go straight up like you were wearing a fucking helmet of feathers. Who the hell likes that shit? Bitches can't run the hands through that shit because your hair is so hard it fucking stabs them. Actually I got it all you motherfucker guidos played way too much sonic the hedgehog while your dads were out trying to become made men so now you make your hair look like a hedgehog because he was your surrogate father. I am sorry your dad is in jail but no amount of hair gel is gonna bring him back so stop embarrassing wops worldwide and put down the damn hair gel.

Frat kids: There might not be a white person in the world I hate more than the white frat dude. We all know the type, some douchebag from suburbia that majors in date rape in college. You know who he is because he wears the frat uniform of a pink shirt with a popped up collar, a backwards hat or hair gelled up, and probably some sandals. To show girls he is deep he listens to Ben Harper and Dave Mathews and has christmas lights in his room to give girls an inviting presence. They drink a 6 pack of bud light, yell out played out dave chappelle catch phrases such as 'YEaAHHHHHH" and "I am rick james bitch" to show how hip they are, and always tell pledges stories of the one time they got laid in the frat house by the state schools token slam pig. I am sorry but except for the rare times they bang a passed out freshmen these kids get laid less than gutter punks. So the lesson is parents don't let little Johnny grow up to be a frat kid unless you want him harboring latent homosexual desires, a strong desire to drink keystone light and the ability to get laid less than a gutter punk kid who doesn't shower. And I am sorry fucking a girl after you roofie them doesn't count, so yes Timmy from TKE you still are a virgin.
Hackeysack: They want kids to wear helmets in Massachusetts to play soccer. This still only makes soccer the second most pussy spot in America. The first? You guessed it hackysacking. I am not sure you would call this a sport per se, but it would be in the pussy olympics, so it has a space on here. Just walk around any Dave Mathew's Band concert and watch people hackey sack and tell me you won't hate white people after that.
Self-Righteous Hip-hop fans: These are the white kids that only like underground hip hop and won't listen to anything commercial because they don't "keep it real."(Yeah I'll keep it real and you can represent what, yeah my nuts) They preach the 4 elements even though they can't dance, hate graffiti, could care less about vinyl and are scared of black people. They worship sage francis and dismiss Bun B as garbage because it doesn't fit their hip-hop aesthetic. Their history of rap music goes back to 2001 and they grew up listening to sublime instead of the juice crew and bdp. Del is their greatest rapper of all time to them and master p is useless because they think they are so much smarter than him since they just finished their freshmen year in college and are majoring in philosophy. They are also the only people dumb enough to buy Talib kweli records.
And as a bonus here is extra two things to hate about white people provided by a dude that did a track on sage francis’s last albulm. And his white boy rant went against pantaloons, so here is varicky pyr stating his hated for white people in pantaloons stating MAN, FUCK PANTALOONS. I DON'T WANT TO SHOW OFF MY SOCKS. GIVE ME FUCKING PANTS DOWN TO MY ANKLES. I DON'T WANT PANTALOONS. THEY'RE FUCKING SHORTS THAT ATTACK YOUR CALVES.
He also continued for the number 10 reason to hate whitey: The souped up import cars made of plastic that every white kid got after they saw fast & furious. They go around blasting trance, doing 80 in a residential, revving their motor with a shaved head and a wifebeater on. YOU ARE NOT VIN DIESEL. So remember you white motherfuckers you have been put on blast.

fuck jam bands

The prodigal son of drunk and focused has returned, rejoice in the name of Jesus! Anyway while I was gone (Road trip to New Jersey, NYC, and bowling with jesus) the drunk and focused posse added some new members to our gang including my personal weed carrier En P for the tiger beat crowd, and that weirdo from my old chess club clique(none of y'all know about chess club) and writer, producer, dude who loves to harlem shake varick pyr. When Varick ain't drunk you can find him producing for Sage Francis and wooing girls that make suicide girls seem sane. I did a mix last spring which featured his remix of Sage francis - threewrite (Amelie on Blast)and for your listening pleasure here it is (and for the dorks who like my mixes, this mix eventually transformed into the suicide kid mix where you can find here orange jubillee for breakfast )

I loved you Ho
Sage Francis - Threewrite (tunnels of Paris Remix)
blackalicious - 40 oz. for breakfast
atmosphere - god's bathroom floor
McNeal and Niles - one slave. one gun
diplo - works
pink floyd - several furry animals grooving
squarepusher - venus 17 (acid remix)

Anyway while I was gone my weekly Tuesday Scissor Test got an article featured on it
Let there be monsters at the Scissor Test I hear
Which means my cult following is getting larger, I am saying Kool Aid for everyone. Side note shout out to lemon red who was one of the orginal Scissor Test Homies back from the beginning and is now killing it in NyC eating shrimp at the turntable lab complex and their new blog
go stupid with the lab

The best unintentional Comedy of 2006 was last night as the NBA All Stars danced to an intro with the Houston orchestra playing the classics such as eminem, and ozzy osbourne (or for the tiger beat crowd that trick daddy song). First the east was just kinda awkward, it was like soul train if they only featured on the token fat white girl who couldn't dance (a staple on USA"s dance party, I am saying the camera always found the awkward fat white girl) This why dudes just lean back, remember Bron Bron, Jordan would have just leaned back. But that was nothing compared to the electric siide/buggaloo that the west team did that ended with the most awkward dance movement from a 7'6 Chinese man ever. In the words of the sports guy, "I love this game."

More updates coming today! Why because beat pervert loves all of you.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

New Rap Music

Short introduction because I’m here to post music - not ramble; I’ll leave that to the drunks. I’ve been called to Drunk and Focused to attract the 13 year old female crowd. Apparently this blog was lacking a teeny bopper crowd. I hope to fix that.

I was listening to JAMN’ 94.5 (Boston’s commercial Rap and R&B station) the other night when DJ Gee Spin mentioned he was going to play Mobb Deep’s new song “Put them in Their Place.” I had already heard this song on a G-Unit mix tape I downloaded and I thought the song was fucking dope. It makes me want to rob a liquor store and then beat the shit out of a frat kid. Anyhow, “Gee Spin” started talking shit about the MOBB and how they were “riding on 50’s dick.” (Due to their signing with G-Unit in 2005) Fuck this guy. His blends suck and he has a gay voice, Prodigy should take his new private jet to Boston and fuck him up. People are pissed Mobb signed to G-Unit like they’re going to change or something. Even on their radio hit with 50, “Outta Control” Prodigy and Havoc couldn’t help themselves from making comments about killing people and carrying guns into the club. Yah, the Mobb is happy and proud of their new found fortune and they can call themselves whatever the fuck they want (Hollywood Hav and V.I.P) as long as they still make me want to want to beat the shit out of fake tanned kids wearing shell necklaces and sandals in the middle of the winter.

Well, here’s the new single, you decide what you think. The album titled ‘Blood Money’ drops on G-Unit records on March 21.

Mobb Deep – “Put them in their Place”

“I got weed, hash- when I breeze past, breathe fast, eat ass on point like Steve Nash” Yes, Killa Cam is back. This song has that typical Dipset production, you know what I’m talking about. I believe this is his new single from his upcoming album ‘Killa Season’ which drops sometime in 2006. With his new beef with Jay and his new wardrobe Cam is sure to attract some 14 year old sluts with this one.

Cam’ Ron – “Get ‘Em Daddy”

After blowing up in the South and then experiencing commercial success rapper T.I. is still bringing the heat. This is his new single off his upcoming album which comes out sometime in 2006. Even though my friend Michael swears it sounds exactly like 36 Mafia’s “Stay Fly” I still enjoy it and you can too.

T.I. – “What you Know”

- En P

Varick Pyr can fly but he don't feel like it.

I get hassled while fishing more in Pennsylvania than any other state. Yesterday I was getting drunk, fishing along the Schuylkill River, partly because there's not much better than drinking rum and casting a line and partly because I won't have enough money for groceries until this weekend. I had my MP3 player and headphones on rockin out to some Neil Young, and one of those Wildlife & Game motherfuckers comes down the bank towards me on that "license check" shit. Now, you're supposed to have your fishing license showing at all times, but I keep my fishing license on the inside of my jacket because most local Wildlife agents aren't anal-retentive about it. But this jackass leans right into me, going on about how it should be pinned to the front of my coat. I was more offended that he felt the need to patrol the river in a foot of snow than the fact he checked my license at all.

"Your license is expired."
"Really? Shit, I thought I had five more months on that bad boy."
"Licenses are only renewed every January."
"Really? Shit, I didn't know that."
"Pack it up and come back when you've renewed."

Dig this: the cat was wearing yellow socks with doodoo-butter brown boots. His job seems easy enough, but if I were a Wildlife agent, I'd demand to rock my steel-toe black boots. I hope those socks aren't mandatory.

And I was in a 4th Chamber mood. You know that jawn? (RZA kills it on that shit, by the way.) Where you nod your head like you about to get Jon Woo on a motherfucker. You ain't even gotta be in a bad mood. Just more like "things are going alright but if you fuck wit me, it's on". The nigga was lucky I didn't hook his eyelids. And I had just gotten new triple-pronged hooks from Mexican Charlie that same day. Shit would've been UGLY, cousins. But I was too drunk to give a fuck, so I packed up, walked toward the city and then made a wide turn when I was out of sight and cast downstream. After all that, I didn't even catch anything and I ended up going to Maybelle's on Washington Street for dinner.

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue

Yeah, we all have our issues with Valentine's Day. But go buy your girl some flowers, for god's sake. Actually, don't. Fuck that! If you ain't doing that romantic shit ON A REGULAR, then don't bother today. I'm always broke, but I've lifted those dirty ass supermarket roses for a chick on many occasions. And fuck spending $5 on a piece of paper and then signing your name under some shit SOMEONE ELSE wrote. Write your own shit. Even it's some dumb cornball shit, it's from the heart. She can't give you shit for that. And if she does, fuck that ho. HALLMARK EATS BABIES.

So I'm sittin here polishing off some Smirnoff and this chick, Dawn, just called me. She wants to kick it tonight. We hung out last night ... technically, I got drunk at Victor's Cafe, she met me there, then drove me home because I was too wasted to differentiate between the sidewalk and the road, and we finished a fifth of gin on the stoop. Dig it: I met her at a poetry reading last week after I read a chapter of my book-in-progress. And she swooned. Which is creepy, because no girl should love the kind of shit I write. But she did and afterwards she talked a gang of shit like "I'm totally gonna lay you." And I might be the type that accosts cops with a crowbar while wearin a gas mask, but ya boy ain't the casual-fuck type. I get mild-salsa around women I dig, and end up ignoring their advances on some Treat Her Like A Prostitute shit. Slick Rick holla! However, her and I will get up tonight and we'll drink and we'll see what happens.

Yeah, so that's me. Uncoordinated, drunken rambling. I'm here to give y'all the Real Deal Holyfield honesty, raw dog, my guts on the table. Read it or ignore it. Love it or hate it.

I leave for the Big Memph tomorrow, so I'll see about posting while on the road. I keep it moving. Memphis got the best BBQ in the world, authentic speak. Anyone who says otherwise is bitch like some ovaries. Getcha mind right!

Pop ya collar,

cat fight...cat fight...cat fight...50 cent?

Okay the gauntlet is back and as average as ever. The mission this week was kinda like a tug of war, were basically each team had to hold up the other half their team who were hanging on a beam above water. Side not MJ and Landon both have matching tattoos, ummm, ummm, ummm, (should I go there?) ummm (I have to) holy shit is that shit fucking straight brokeback. Anyway long mission short the veterans finally win. Kina picks my new favorite cast member I have seen naked Cara as her competitor while Susi, who has just experimented with muff diving with cara and now they are best friends and not 'fuck" buddies, gets all emotional cause she is losing her hook up buddy. The mission as always is captains choice, my roommate is convinced this is staged every week because it is always captains choice, anyway kina pics a coconut brawl. First things first regardless how evil is kina? I mean does anybody realize how whipped her bf is? In fact I don't know his name other than kina's bitch. Seriously how good is that pussy? I mean kina is fine, but dude is all for her to the point i think he doesn't have a penis anymore. Nobody should ever be that much of a bitch for a reality broad cause when the camera stops rolling we all know what happens. Anyway kina crushes cara 5- 0 and at the end titties almost come out. Kina goes straight wwe and tries to pull off cara's shirt leading her to drop the last coconut to ensure kina the shut out win. I am saying I was rooting for titties to fly out and pussy everywhere.

Anyway cara is gone and next week the demise of the greatest gauntlet player in the history of the game is witness cause mtv hate's black people and the greatest player of all time Alton

Allright here is some new 50 cent for the mtv crowd, and its like last nights gauntlet, average as hell and probaly loved by all girls that just turned 13.
50 - pimp 2

Monday, February 13, 2006

Calm down there are some honkies here tonite

Too much snow, too much vodka, and too many broken beer bottles being hurled at me, but through the broke glass your prodigal dude has returned more focused and drunk than ever. And yes we say this every time we leave you for a bit, but its like when a dude takes a random trip to las vegas and comes back smelling like whiskey and whore, and then says but baby I only love you, and I won 10,000 grand at the blackjack table so whose getting a blowjob tonite? That's right my john thomas(and yes that is a reference to Sex and the City which equals drunk and focused has become straight brokeback since we been gone.)

First things first its cold which means I want two things in life now more than anything: booty and sunlight. In honor to get that fix I am gonna post some of that two live crew so the girls can shake their booty in mittens and woollies, yes just mittens and woollies.
Doo Wah Diddy

Next up is some of that favela funk that K Fed tried to Pat Boone into a hit. Now we all now I am a big fan of this shit and will always sneak it into my sets while djing so here is a new track from Bonde de role off of Diplo's Mad Decent label. The new single drops this month and you should definitely pick it up, but I am gonna lace the loyal fans of drunk and focused with this track because well it has the same sample as the 2 live crew jawn and shit is as dope as having naked scarlets on the cover of vanity fair.
funk da esfiha

Next is a track that gets me dumb hype, its like some carnival shit or something, but its fucking dope. This shit is reggaetone on adderrol
Shurwayne Winchester - Dead or Alive (road mix)

Apparently if you do a blog and post mp3s you need to say how great lupe fiasco is cause the internet says he is now the truth. I am still on the fence on him since I haven't heard anything mindblowing from him yet to justify the hype. But before I start sipping on the hater-aid here is the first track I heard from lupe fiasco, and to be honest this shit that makes me think he can make a rap albulm with 3 tracks I absolutely love and a bunch of shit that is complete garbage. I am actually looking forward to it, and the chance to buy the single if nothing else.
Lupe ft Jay z - sitting sideways remix

BG and Manny fresh back together I like. Does this mean BG is finally off Koch records and back with cash money or at least a label thats not a glorified indy label? Side note anybody know where I can find that disco d ghetto tech track of the bg hottest of the hot track?
BG and Manny being Manny

Lastly before my computer began to be as busted as LeWanda from In Living Color, I was working on a new mix, and which is just waiting for shit to be fixed so I can record. Because I love all of you I will leave you with a mix I did a little over a year ago when the snow was falling and I was pining for the joy that is girls in biker shorts. This is like an appetizer for what's coming up and plus its good to smoke weed and cool out and listen to.
What you think all the guns were for?

biggie - warning
radiohead - stand up sit down (inhumanz remix)
bjork - army of one (remix)
atmopshere - free or dub
toots & the maytals - 54-46
subtle - FKO (remix)
daedelus - something bells (remix)

Sunday, February 05, 2006

How Rude

Allright drunk and focused took a couple days off, you know are usual overnight drunk, (that lasts for a week) because well dude justin left you with an orgy of rock music and well that meant I didn't have to do shit for a few days. Speaking of orgies how come nobody ever talks about the dude that goes to one and never gets laid? I mean he is standing there with a his dick out looking for any available hole, and he never gets to stick it in. Then he goes home and a friend calls up and goes how was the orgy all excited and shit and then he is all dejected like, "welp I just couldn't find anywhere to stick my dick, all the holes were taken, I was forrest gump trying to find a seat on the bus and none of these skanks were named jenny. But on the bright side I can finally shave off this damn moustache. "

Anyway before we get to the gauntlet some shit happened while we were away the biggest not being the Steelers winning the super bowl, but finding that Stephanie Tanner was a meth head. To top it off the intervention consisted of the olsen twins, bob Saget and uncle jessie. I am saying why couldn't the intervention been its own reality show, It would have had more viewers than the superbowl think about it. They still have time though and what they should do is a full house reunion show, the main plot can be michelle graduating college, and during the show we find out sweet old stef is on drugs. Joey could walk in her doing a line or some shit, and get all concerned, but stef will be like no just don't tell my dad, yadda yadda yadda. I only do it once in awhile etc and your comedian you should know how it is. Joey falls for it hook, line, and sinker and tells her in a roger rick voice (or whatever stuffed animal he was currently walking around with) just don't do it again, cause drugs are bad, mmmkay. Then they hug and heartwarming music plays.

Also everyone still lives in the same house except for dj and stef. DJ is married to Steve and lives next door, and stef lives with them in the guest house. Uncle Jessie still lives in the attic with his wife and kids even though he is a rich bastard and the Japanese Elvis. Uncle Jessie has sold more records in japan than any other american artist since Barry and the Rippers, and currently just got back from touring there where he also sells signature wigs because a freak hairspray accident left Uncle Jessie bald.

Danny Tanner is now a local shock jock for Howard Stern's Sirius radio after getting fired from Wake up San Francisco for coming into work drunk and getting into a fistfight with a monkey named Pepe Lucho that was supposed to be a special guest on his show. Danny Tanner also found work as an extra whe he appeared on the short lived third season ofChappele's show where he got famous for his lines "Can Danny Tanner Get a goddamn lapdance?" and "Wake up to my balls San Francisco"

Joey survived a scandal about a newspaper report that said he had allegedly stuck his penis in a puppet's ear (lawyers claim it was a wardrobe malfunction and his penis just sprung out by accident into a puppets ear), and now has a successful morning variety show for kids named "Aren't Stuffed Animals Fun!," featuring an hour of him pretending to talk to stuffed animals, he has even won a Peabody for excellence in broadcasting for his show. He also loves hookers because nobody else will fuck a dude that sticks his penis in puppet ears. Kimmie Gibler is dead. She died choking on a whoopee pie her pastor had made for a "Jesus Is Rad" talent show. Her obituary red she loved jesus, the bible, and making kool aid for disadvantaged youth, and she once kissed a leaper on the lips.
The climax of this two hour made for tv movie will be the intervention where Stephanie, high on drugs comes in with her older male bf, played by none other than Chuck Norris, and they say to leave them alone for they are going to vegas to get married. Joey tries to stop them but Chuck Norris high on cocaine breaks joey's arm with a kung fu chop and tells him he is going to eat his soul. Danny Tanner than charges at him and kicks him in the balls which brings Norris down to a knee. Out of nowhere uncle jessie pulls out a two by four, yells HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! and cracks chuck norris on the back of the head knocking him out. He then tells stef drugs are bad, and since he is a rock star he should know. They all hug, joey pukes up blood, and chuck norris lifts his head to which uncle jessie meets his two by four with norris's jaw knocking him out once and for al. Stefanie finally sees the error of her ways and swears to never do drugs again and they all hug to end the show.

The gauntlet was in shape or form as good as what that full house reunion show would have been. Anyway the show is used to show that alton is going to be the next dude to bang jodi, and Kina and carrie are going go against each other in an upcoming gauntlet. The mission was some bucking bronco thang where the opposing team swung ropes to try to knock the other team off. The rookies all stayed on, and win when syrus falls off for the veterans. Syrus is voted into the gauntlet and faces Derrick in the captain's choice of beach brawl. Derrick surprisingly makes short work of syrus, who has 60 pounds on him, but couldn't get lower than derrick because derrick is spudd webb's height.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Abby Morgan invades the gauntlet

My roommate loafy made the most astute observation of his life when he pointed at that Beth was Abby Morgan. For those who don't know abby morgan was the girl that made kids of the creek's life a living hell.(she was also E's gf in Entourage) Think a cross between crazy emily valentine from 90210 (who was crazy as hell in high school, then brendan see's her in san francisco a few years later and everything is normal and they never mentioned how she went pyscho ruining, and trying to burn down the homecoming float the 90210 crew had made) and that redhead that used to be on Melrose place but is now a desperate housewife, yes the same girl that blew up melrose place and took off her whig to reveal a hideous scar, and to boot she used to bang Dr. Micheal Mancini.

Well beth is abby morgan and most likely the most hated person on reality tv. Well a little thing happened with abby morgan she became friends with Jen. This happened when jen got exiled from the clique when dawson and joey started dating, and she was still sprung on dawson. Jen and abby morgan together were like the midnight express, sure you hated them but you always were entertained by them. Then one night abby and jen got drunk off champagne and decided to go out on a pier and teeter totter on the edge cause their women, and well their brains are smaller then men's are. Well guesse what Abby morgan fell off that pier and died. You see what happens when you get high or drunk? You either get aids or fall of piers to your death. I am saying for every one dude that puts boxer shorts on his head drunk another 20 get aids or fall off piers. So don't let yourself become a statistic, when you get high or drunk always keep a pair of undershorts close by for they may save your life and ensure you won't get aids or fall off a pier. (this psa was sponsored by Cigarrete Smokers For Dick Chaney.)

Onto the gauntlet which was some tightrope walking shit where two teammates manuever over a tight rope while holding a rope between them. The most dominat gauntlet player maybe in its history Alton is up first. I am saying every mission its like he is mamba scoring 81, he can't be stopped, and hell you can't even hope to contain him. Long mission short Alton and the dude from the philly cast that used to look like that other dude from the philly cast are the only one's to complete the mission and the rookies win, but not before a classic beth moment where she was the last on the team to go and wouldn't even try to go across. Her teammates are pissed but realize its just beth being beth, sorta like manny being manny, if beth had any talent. Its a women's gauntlet and montana is set to face beth in a reverse tug of war. Beth wins again as the rookies cheer and derrick goes off on beth saying he wished montana won, she's a dumb bitch, and the meanest person he knows etc. etc.. I think he even told her he was gonna punch her straight in the ovaries, yep right in the babymaker.

Hooked on rock 'n' roll phonics Pt. 3

Hey everyone! I'm back! Can I tell you a little story? I can? Alright. So, there I was, listening to Paranoid (the album) by Black Sabbath (like real men do), when I thought to myself, “Why do so many people listen to lame shit like Blink 182 when Sabbath and the like are where the REAL rock ‘n’ roll is?!?" I mean, gimme a fucking break! Mark Hoppus and that other douche-bag from Blink BOTH have signature guitars manufactured by Fender?!? FENDER!! I could see if they were shitty Squire guitars, but actual FENDERS?!? Who’s responsible for this shit?? Only Tony Iommi has a signature guitar by Gibson! Where’s fucking Geezer Butler’s signature Fender P-bass??? Where is it, Fender?!? Huh?!? Christ....like the fucking guitar-buyers of the world really NEED some shitty Strat with ONE cheesy-ass humbucker and only a fucking VOLUME knob. Fuck the modern music industry.....and most of the record-buying public.

Hi! I’m Justin, and I’ll be your cynical bastard for this evening! May I recommend our sarcasm? It’s delightfully fresh and masterfully prepared by our head chef!

Anyhoo.....this is the final installment of “Hooked on Rock ‘n’ Roll Phonics” where I teach you how to spell using the rock ‘n’ roll alphabet! Let’s get started!
A: A is for the “axe” that you shred.
B: B is for the “bras” that women throw at you when you’re shredding on your axe.
C: C is for “C.C. DeVille" of Poison.
D: D is for the “drugs” that you snort off a groupie’s a-

First: 2000 Light Years from Home by The Rolling Stones. Fuck yeah! The Rolling Stones were once psych rock space cadets! And here’s proof. Listen to that mellotron! And those crazy sound effects! Hooray for Brian Jones! This is from Their Satanic Majesties Request, easily my favorite Stones record. Go buy it! It’s chock full of shit like this!

Peek-a-boo, it’s: Lovefingers by The Silver Apples. These two men were electronic gods. Well, the one was.....the other one was just a head-explodingly amazing drummer (you know, like Jaki Liebezeit from Can.) Have you heard this band?!? They were putting this shit out in ’68!!! SIXTY-FUCKING-EIGHT!!!! It sounds like it came from some Krautrock band from 6 years later! I love the crap out of this band and so does Beat Pervert. So don’t be afraid to take this song home and cuddle with it.

Don’t laugh, it’s: The Incredible Journey of Timothy Chase by Tomorrow. Tomorrow is one of the best-kept secrets of the psych era. I mean, they had Steve Howe (later to join prog gods Yes) on guitar!! And Keith West singing! Those lyrics! "It's just us, and we're there, too." Hah! Awesome! and witty! Dig those acoustic guitar/piano bridge parts! Amazing.

Razzle-dazzle: Coming Down by The United States of America. Yes, every citizen of the United States of America came together in ‘68 to record this song (not really). If you listen real hard, you can hear my dad sing in the chorus! This song’s about an acid trip! That means it’s cool! Where would rock ‘n’ roll be without drugs?!? Lame...that’s where. That ‘whoosh-y’ electronic sound makes my head feel funny.

*gasp*: I Heard Her Call My Name by The Velvet Underground. Holy Jesus! This is the mack-daddy of ALL noise rock! Pretty much the greatest song The Velvets EVER recorded....which is saying quite a lot. Shit, man.....those fucking guitar riffs will steal your wallet, screw your girlfriend (or boyfriend), piss on your stereo, drink your last Miller High Life, and get into a knife fight with your mother. God, if I could play guitar like that....And all while Mo Tucker pounds the fuck out of those toms, and Lou sounding like a mental patient on amphetamines! Which is awesome! This song fucking TEARS! (Here's an artist's (my) rendering of what this song probably looked like performed live.)

Beep: The Visit by Keith West. Keith was in the legendary psych band Tomorrow. Then he got all famous and Tomorrow started to be billed as "Tomorrow featuring Keith West" and the band got sick of it, so they split. (You know, like when Hall and Oates started being billed as "Hall and Oates featuring Daryl Hall" and Oates got all pissed off and started his own band called "Daryl Hall is a Prick featuring John Oates". It was just like that.) The song! The song is amazing. Not really psych, sorta garage, definitely 60's. It's pretty bluesy. That chorus "there is the window/there is the door/give me a reason/tell me some more" gets me every single time.

Splash: The Throat of Winter by Tyrannosaurus Rex. I know it doesn’t start with an X, but there’s an X at the end, so shut up. This is before Marc Bolan got all glamm-y. I know Marc sings like a fruit and is a little too obsessed with witches and elves at this point in his career but, damnit, I like this song. It’s simple and pretty, and those ”aaaaahhhhh”s in the middle of the verses make me feel nice. And that backwards part at the end is pretty fucking rad.

Presto: Turn Into Earth by The Yardbirds. The Yardbirds weren’t just an English white-boy blooze band. They could psych it up with the best of them. The music’s a little unsettling, and Keith Relf’s echoed, dead-pan vocals don’t help make it any less unsettling. But that’s a good thing! And the chanting voices are creepy as a bastard!

At last!: Peaches en Regalia by Frank Zappa. I know Phish covers this occasionally, but that doesn’t make it bad! It’s actually a great song! It’s from his ’69 album “Hot Rats”. That Zappa guy sure could play a mean guitar! He plays that first riff on what sounds like a guitar...then he brings in just about every instrument imaginable, in subsequent verses. Jesus...there’s an organ in there, a mellotron, some sort of synthesizer, a mandolin(?), a clarinet(??) a kazoo(???). I have no idea, but it’s total genius! Just listen to it!! You’ll think so, too! The power of Zappa's 'stache compels you...

Bonus!: Just to prove that I like other types of music besides 60’s psych rock, I’m including a bonus track...that’s NOT psych! OR from the 60’s! Apt. A, Pt. 1 by cLOUDDEAD. Oh, Doseone, how I love thee. I’m convinced that anything Dose touches turns to awesome. Listen to those lyrics! “Do you know how many times I’ve thought about writing about the paper I’m writing on?” The guy’s a fucking poet! And those beats!?! Amazing!

So there you go...28 songs...just for you! I did that for YOU!!! And for the spirit of Bon Scott...because he guided me through these three posts. You should seriously download these songs and listen to them. You never know when someone you’re trying to impress will say, “Hey man, have you ever heard of The Pretty Things? They fucking rule!” (like I occasionally say) And, if you’ve followed my instructions properly, you can say something like, “Hell yeah, man!! I fucking love Talkin’ About the Good Times!! Have you ever heard of Almendra?!?” and then, when they say no, you can laugh at them!! Because they don’t know as much as you!!! Haha!!