Tuesday, October 16, 2007

NBA Champion Matt Bonner's has more rings than gump ass garnett 8th annual NBA Spectacular Preview

Wow I have a tummy ache because I been eating so many shrimp, and basking in the glory of what it means to be an NBA champion. Ohh in case you didn't hear my team, the 2007 World Champion San Antonio Spurs, won the championship. You want to know how good we were? We were so good I didn't have to break a sweat during the whole finals. Yep, we so good I only had to play about 2 minutes a game over the whole playoffs. Think about that for a minute, me, Matt Bonner, the real Mamba, was not even needed by the Spurs cause we always won so easily, and well it wouldn't be fair to the other team if both me and Duncan played monster minutes. I am telling you Pop is too benvolent, but that's in the past. So let's get on with business, socks on, with NBA Champion Matt Bonner's has more rings than gump ass garnett 8th annual NBA Spectacular Preview

Eastern Conference
Atlanta Hawks - Think about this Hawks fans you didn’t win shit when you had Dominique Wilkins playing for you, and the rock n roll express winning titles in the old Omni theatre, and now for this season you half to count on the emergence of Antoine Walker and Al Harrington to compliment Joe Johnson, and this ascension will be an essential reason for you to have any chance of even competing for a playoff spot. Let me repeat that. You have to hope for the emergence of Antoine Walker and Al Harrington, the Group Home of duos in the NBA(And this is a Group Home with no Premier on the beat), just to even think about a seven or eight seed in the playoffs.. With Walker, other than its his contract year, what‘s to stop him from gorging on too many midnight snacks at the waffle house and giving a whole new meaning to the world “wiggle,“ and not to mention giving every Hawks fan over sixty a heart attack with one of his many ill advised three pointers. And Harrington is like Chino XL, he shows glimmers of promise, but overall he never takes it the next level. So yeah If I was a Hawks fan, I’d wait till next year, and get ready to see a lot of Acie Law IV because Tyrone Lue and Speedy Claxton are allergic to being full time starting point guards.

I wrote that about the 2004 Hawks when I was just getting the Red Rocket phenmenom started in Toronto. But now its 2007, I am a world champion, and Acie Law IV is their starting point guard, their best player is still Joe Johnson, and the best they can still hope for this season is sneaking into the playoffs as an eight seed. Yep its good to see nothing has really changed in Atlanta over the years, well except for what the kids dance too. Sidenote Bonner always supermans that ho, just ass gump ass cape wearing Garnett
and just for old time sakes

Boston Celtics - All right my bias is going to show now but who are the ad wizards who came up the nickname the C-eatles, yes the fucking C-eatles. You get it its like Beatles with a C, and KG is Paul, which makes me question if a dude who chooses to be sally ass Paul of all the Beatles, gives me doubts he is man who can lead them to the championship. Plus he loves soccer and also got his ass whooped by me,Matt Bonner, the redhead from New Hampshire, and cult legend, and not to mention NBA champion, Matt Bonner. Regardless of anything this team is a year and a coaching change away from competing for a championship, and oh yeah if the Spurs plane crashes and me and Duncan are the sole survivors and can only play in wheelchairs, actually I still give us the advantage over that gump. You can’t tell me Rondo and Perk, and a pretty non-existent bench, especially if Tony Allen’s knees don’t hold up, is any better than the supporting cast KG had in Minnesota with Spreewell and Sam Cassel, and without a supporting cast we saw what happened with that big three. Rumor has it that Brian Scalibrine used voodoo to channel the spirit of every great white Celtic of the past to become a Bill Walton-esque six man off the bench, redheads unite we takin over this NBA shit.

Charlotte Bobcats - This looks like a fantasy team put together by a guy who primarily only watches college basketball, and thus would probaly be a big Matt Bonner fan. They resigned Gerald Wallace, and added Jason Richardson, who is a great player, but was still a head-scratcher of a deal. If Okafor has a monster year, Morrison finds his shooting touch again while remaining tear free, and Sean May finds his way out of the tub club, he is soft like silly puddy, the Bobcats could be a pretty solid team. I mean there has to have been some reason Gerald Wallace was so eager to re-sign with them. Right?

Chicago - I know its easy to like the Bulls because they have a lot of nice players. Deng is real nice. Gordon is real nice. Hendrich is solid, and Wallace is still solid on the defensive end. But nice only get’s you so far, (well unless you are paired with CL Smooth) and they are missing that superstar in the lineup to take them away from the middle of the pack. Until they get that last piece they will always be a solid, dangerous team, but never a title contender.

Cleveland Cavaliers - Wait a minute the Cavs made it to the finals with Lebron James, and ummmm, ummmm, Donyell Marshall and a hurt Larry Hughes. Hell their second best scorer was some unknown rookie named Boobie, and their best rebounder was a Brazilian off the bench, and they had a stand in for Frankenstein as their center. Let’s not forget pretty much the same team is back this year, and Donyell Marshall is still one of their key players. I am not really sure what to expect from this Cav’s team. If the Cavs finish with the first, or even the eight seed in the playoffs I would not be surprised at either outcome. Plus gas face to Lebron for wearing a Yankee’s hate in Cleveland, and that bad karma has already doomed their season. Also if Lebron get’s hurt this may be the worst team in basketball, its scary how important he is to their success. Actually he gets the gas face not for wearing the hat, but just for being a Yankees fan in general.

Detroit Pistons - You know how sometimes after a rap group peaks and they can coast with the same line up year and year out, and be really good, but nobody every will argue they are best anymore, think Hieroglyphics. That’s the Detroit Pistons this year.

Indiana Pacers - Remember when the melee happened and Jermaine O’Neal cold cocked the guy who looked like Turtle from Entourage? By the end of the season O’Neal, if he is not traded, will want to do that to everyone around him. It will be like a real life version of the SNL short when Andy Samberg
punches everyone in the face before they eat food.

Miami Heat - I wonder if Shaq is at the point of his career when instead of wearing his heat uniform, instead he is going to come out in a black singlet with one strap like Andre the Giant. They will be good as long as Wade doesn’t get hurt, but if he is not healed from last year they will be brutally bad. But on a bright side since Shaq did that reality show with fat kids this summer you would think he would actually come to camp in shape this summer. I said you would think though.

Milwaukee Bucks - Could you blame China’s version of Sean Bradley for not wanting to play in Milwaukee? Hell you probably have some reservations too if you had to share a locker next an Australian named Bogart, who probably grew out a creepy moustache over the off-season because that is something Australians do. On the bright side it’s a team with a lot of potential with Bobby Simmons, Michael Redd, Charlie Villanueva, and Maurice Williams running the point. They are last year’s Bulls only with an uglier fan base, and a stronger love for cheese.

New Jersey - They are like an r and b group. Vince Carter is the diva, Richard Jefferson is the other diva (the Kelly Rowland to Carter’s Beyonce if you will), and Jason Kidd is the guy in the back making all the beats. Problem is the rest of the squad is horrid and well the team is a bunch of divas, and Kidd is bound to get hurt at least once this season. But on the flip side if you like pretty dunks while your team loses by fifteen this is the team to watch.

New York Knicks - I don’t care what happens this year with this team, other than it results in Stephon Marbury getting his own reality show. “I didn’t call her a black bitch. I called her a bitch.” Let’s get this clear Knicks fan your team is going to be everyone’s bitch this year unless all this teams many head cases come together. And something else to look forward to Knicks fans, while your coach was busy losing his sexual harassment case, you shouldn’t have had to worry because during that time he only had basketball affairs on the mind. Matt Bonner asks who you calling a bitch, UNITY, wow was that a horrible song.

Orlando Magic - The Rashard Lewis signing is like when you go to a strip club and get way too drunk, and up blowing way more money than anyone should spend on lap dances, Bonner is the king of the tip drill, but this ultimately leads to a hand job in the back room. Sure you over paid for it, but your still somewhat satisfied at the end. Adding Lewis will make the Magic a potential sleeper in the conference title hunt, but I still think they end up coming up a little short at the end. But I do see monster years from Dwight Howard, and Jameer Nelson, as well as a 3 inch growth spurt for Hedo Turkolo. I am saying he is going to be 7’9 before he retires.

Philadelphia 76ers - Every preview of this team will mention how talented they are, but in the same paragraph how the have no chance at making the playoffs. Let me put it to you in reality, this team has no star, no chance at success, and no Allen Iverson. Andre Iguodala and Andre Miller are two top notch guards, but when your third best player is a shot blocking center, and the rest of your team is unproven young guys, the playoffs are not in your future.

Toronto Raptors - I really like this team as a solid three or fourth seed, they would be a one seed had I not left, the Red Rocket still runs Toronto. Chris Bosh is a beast, and TJ Ford is the Keith Murray of point guards, meaning I probably like him more than I should, and he probably uses a lot of big words. Their supporting cast is solid, and they played great towards the end of last season. They won’t win the conference this year, but they will be in the thick of things.

Washington Wizards - I would like this team a lot more if I only played fantasy basketball, and only read Gilbert Arena’s blog. I also realize this is the modern version of Golden State Warriors when they had their big TMT three, shout out to Chris Mullin’s flat top, and while they are both exciting to watch, make sure you catch them in the regular season because they won’t be around to much in the post.

1. Boston Celtics - I believe in voodoo, and red heads in the NBA.

2. Detroit Pistons - I am sure the new Del album on Def Jux is going to pretty decent too. But definitely not one of the best of the year.

3. Chicago Bulls - At least you guys have the juke phone now.

4. Toronto Raptors - Chris Bosh could carry this team even higher, but not as high as I could have.

5. Orland Magic - The happy ending team, with the interesting subplot of did many inches will Hedo grow during the season.

6. Cleveland Cavaliers - Could be higher depending on Bron Bron, but the rest of the team still sucks.

7.Washington Wizards - The most popular team with the bloggers.

8.) New Jersey Nets - Actually the seven and eight seeds could be either the Wiz, Nets, Knicks, or Bucks depending on injuries, and the usual crazy shit that happens during season, but for gut instinct I am going to go with the divas on this one.

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