Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Fresh Meat the return of the gauntlet = Politics

I ain't gonna lie the last guantlet sucked, I am talking Brian Scalbrine suck.
(Five years at 15 million for a dude that couldn't carry Mark Madsen's jockstrap)

I am talking Edgar Renteria suck in the the boston infield last year.
(Led the Al in errors and cases of being a pussy, woudn't dive for a ball or run into a catcher to help the team win for fear of getting hurt, also proved to be the softest player in red sox history.")

I am talking bone thugs and harmony suck.
(I'd rather be listening to freestlye fellowship)
Knowing that we cound not forget that previous bullshit mtv knew they had to shake up thangs and brought in a twist called fresh meat. Fresh meat is 12 newcomers and 12 veterans, with a twist that it is not just a battle between the veterans and newcomers, instead its team shit with each veteran teamed up with a rookie. So in order to introduce you two the new cunts of the gauntlet here is the 12 newcomers bio and the cunt they are teamed up with. (side note cunt also means any person on an mtv realty show.)

A brief intro to the fresh meat and the team members

Aviv a cute 21 year old from Columbus, OH. She is rolling hard as she served time in the Israeli Air Force and got that dual citzenship. I am saying in 10 years look for her and Natalie Portman to do a playboy spread live from the gaza strip. "This intense physical training should serve her well and I don't see her being a central point in the drama".(this is what mtv said.) This is what drunk and focused says, she's cute yet not that crazy, and with the black dude darell, aka the sean marion of the gauntlet, aka underrated but never overrated, this cunt will be around for a awile under the radar until Coral pulls some tony montana shit and ruins her life.

Speaking of Coral she won the lottery and the white boy adam morrison wishes he can be when he is not crying, Evan. Coral picked evan because he was faster than the token black guy, I kid you not. Coral is the hugest bitch in the world, and yet she might be the GOAT of the gauntlet and she also seemingly made the best draft pick there is. (if this was espn talking evan would have huge UPSIDE even if he is a fucking canadien. Plus he is beign managed by Coral who is Sherry Martrel of the gauntlet, I am saying she has a wrestling future soon as the Miz's manager.)

Next up is the biggest sally in real world history, and mr. ben affelck himself Danny, also that dude that got one punched in Austin which broke his eye socket. His partner is Ev. Ev is non-existant but mtv lists here as one of the dumbest cunts in the world who may have given up a college scholarship to whore it out on the gauntlet. As the cunt network claims, "Ev is a tough-as-nails aspiring Olympian who is risking a college softball scholarship at the University of Arizona to compete in the Challenge. She is also risking a relationship: Her girlfriend fears Ev might cheat on her with a man given the opportunity. Sports, sex, determination and a cocky attitude? Ev was made for the Challenge." Aka she is a dumb, dumb, dumb cunt.

Next up is the token dumb 18 year old blonde from the south who can't do a push up or run a mile. But does have great hair. She has two paths in this hear reality world either say dumb racist thangs or be the token whore who always has a pseudo bf (aka known as the dude she is fucking steady till the show is over cause she is a dumb clingy cunt insert Kendall here). She is paired up with the poor man's abram, Wes who is rocking a mohawk to either show how punk rock he is, or how much an asshole he is. i am guessing both.

For those who don't know their are 4 austin cast members here and they all are dating. Johanna who is emotional nutcase is dating the poor man's abram. She is one of them girls who never want a bf cause when they have one they get all pyscho clingy and whatnot. She is teamed up with some douchebag Jesse who I don't give a fuck about.

The last of these four is melinda who is dating danny and probaly trying to pitch some pseudo reality show about her and danny's intense love. Things she has going for her are amazing boobs, but she is also dumb as rocks and refered to coral's shampoo as a colored person shampoo. Her partner is some gay dude named Ryan who coral says is an embarassment to gay dudes worldwide and probaly ends up giving felattio to shane or most likely danny. I am saying the gauntlet needs a gay love triagle with a hot blonde, it will be like springer episode and wee man look alike tj lavin can gives his final thought at the end.

Next up is theo who described this as his job ands was pissed some kids thought they could come in and do his job. Ummmm anyone can prostiituee themselves on a reality show, its called the american way. He picked this black girl chanda, who had smaller titties than coral, but has a nice body that i am sure is athletic. They might be one of the favorites in this hurr challenge.

Next up is big mouthed and big assed Tina. Tina is the perfect girl to drunk fuck and make cry. Why I am not sure but I am sure she gets off to that shit. Her partner is kenny who I don't said a single word on the first two episodes.

Next up is linnette and shane. Shane is gay, linette is hot. Thats all that pertinent to this team.

Next up is small man derrick and diem. They had no exposure during the first two episodes which is odd cause Derrick is a hot head and diem has nice boobies. Look for them to make it the top four at the end.

MYV goes out on the ledge and brings in its first fat guy on the show since that fat black dude from road rules who was the biggest bitch in the world, I forget his name but he had great titties. This new fat dude is teamed up with the abby morgan of the gauntlet Katie. The fat dude is named eric and will be the token drunk chris farley. But lets give up for MTV for casting a fat dude! This team will surprisngly last for awhile, I think.

Lastly is the Token newcomer and his partner that crazy ass bitch Tonya. Tonya in five years will either be porn on internet reality sites like bangbus or soft core cinemax. And lets be honest cinemax is a stretch for her. Also I am sure she will say something racist to token before the show is over.

The actual two first shows which aired back to back were somewhat intersting. The first show was the draft which I recapped and a mission where Coral and Evan won, and the austin cast proved how much douchebags they were by kicking out some of the fresh meat from the cabins so they could make out in peace.

The second episode involved Wes trying to make a pact to vote out Shane and Linette, and dumb ass Wes thinking he could trust tanya. Tanya in turn told everyone else Wes's plan which resulted in an all Austin gauntlet. The mission before the gauntlet was some dodge ball on tree stumps shit where everyone focused on the austin cast, and Coral and Evan pulled off yet another victory. In the end Wes and his cunt beat danny and his cunt leaving danny's girl cunt Melinda to cry alot. The gauntlet this time is some wierd ass mission that actually seems grueling, and no other cast members can watch. I hope the next gauntlet makes people cry.

Friday, May 26, 2006

pretty, pretty, pretty good

My first review for the boston phoenix can be found here on low budget and aaron lacrate's b-more gutta ep
b-more gutta music review

And you grab the dope low budget track off that ep here
Crazy eye killa

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

music for children and or strippers

New podcast is up featuring music for children and or strippers, otherwise known as people trick daddy luhs.
beat kids

boards of canada- constants are changing
d mite - read a book
united states of America - the american metaphysical circus
gnarls barkley - crazy (tittsworth remix)
eat cloud - synth poop
raymond scott - night and day
rod lee - tic toc
dj technics - dick like a new jack
boredoms - zutto
simply saucers - here comes the cyborgs (part 2)
sole - I can't Stand
autechre - autumn acid (aphex twin remix)

Monday, May 22, 2006

trapped in the closet part 37

Shit I didn't realize this is the second to last episode of the sopranos this season (and don't worry I got my next show to review already in the bank the new gauntlet fresh meat shit, anyone see the promo when the dumb broad calls the black dude a moneky or some shit and than gets cracked in the back of the skull with a swinging coconut? I am saying this is more than gonna make up for the lackluster last gauntlet) Anyway its been a weird season starting off with a shit load of drama with Tony getting shot, then lulling in the middle with alot of weird buildup physiological shit and not alot of action (not counting dude on dude action, dudes got wild on that show straight johnny cakes). But anyway we all now this week's show was leading to the inevitable death of Vito. Vito is back in New York and finds tony out a mall. Vito says the medicine he was on for his blood pressure fucked him up and he is no longer gay, and no longer a cheerleader either.

Anyway he tells tony he knows jersey is out of the picture but he knows he could work out of Atlantic city which is more "friendly" running girls and meth. Plus he will buy back in and give tony 200,000 dollars. Tony tells him he'll think it over. When tony tells this to silvio, chris and the rest they are kinda dubious. Tony realizes know matter what something will have to be done and wishes Vito had just stayed where he was.

On the domestic front AJ got fired from blockbuster for selling promotional items, he claimed he was just hustlin like Rick Ross. Meadow then tells the clan she is moving out to be with Fin in california for a year. Carmela then decides she needs a vacation from her life of not working and goes to paris with Ro. While in therapy Tony laments at what a soft pussy Aj is and how he wants to bash in his skull sometimes. Melfi turns it around on him by saying isn't he just really upset that carmela stands up and protects AJ unlike his mother, and that tony really wishes his mother would have protected him from the beatings like carmela did AJ.

Elsewhere Vito meets with his family and tells them he is deep cover in the cia and nobody can know he is back. Phil and his wife who is a fucking jesus nut, ie the Vice President of Concerned Catholic Mothers, cause apparently it ain't gay to bang little dudes, but as soon as those motherfuckers ain't altar boys anymore that shit is just wrong. Phil's wife who we will call Linda Lambert in honor of the balding red headed devil that kicked me out of ccd back in the day, says Vito embarrassed the family to no end and needs to come face to face with his problems.

Almost on cue we cut to Vito coming back to his hotel and catching a pipe to his head and duct taped and tied up. Weirdly out of the closest comes Phil (followed by R. Kelly, Tom Cruise and John Travolta). Phil makes vito look him in the face as he tells him how pathetic he is and then has his goons savagely beat him to death and top it off with a cue stick up his ass.

Back at the pork store Bobby comes into tell the crew about vito. Tony shrugs it off in front of the crew as no big deal and that Phil saved them the trouble off having to do it themselves. But outside he is pissed and tells Silvio how bad this is because Phil thinks he can do whatever the fuck he wants, including killing a made man and one of tony's captains. Silvio says an eye for an eye? But tony doesn't want a bloodbath, and wants to get back at phil were it will hurt him most, ie his pocket cause all Phil care's about is money.

Back at pork store fat Dom stops by, he was one of the goons of Phil that killed Vito. Dom begins to bust the balls of Silvio and Carlo and eventually crosses the line pulling the proverbial "get your shinebox" esque comment leading silvio to knock him in the back of the head and carlo to finish him off with a butcher knife. And for the kids that don't know about goodfella's, phil's character in the movie is the dude that utters that line to joe pesci and ends up catching a beatdown of death.

Tony comes to the pork store but silvio tells him you don't want to see this, and Tony leaves pissed off and comes home to AJ playing video games with a hot blonde and that other dude whose name I forget. Tony takes AJ into the garage and tells him he is to start construction work tomorrow at 7 am. AJ doesn't believe him so Tony smashes his windshield in and tells him not to put him to the test, cause AJ ain't on his level.

The show ends with Vito's kids reading the newspaper article and finding out the truth about their dad and the photographer from the fat loss ad from the beginning season montage saying he knew vito and showing the picture of Vito from the thin club ad.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Rock 'n' Roll Handjob Vol.2

Hi there. This is Dude Justin with the second installment of 'The Weekly Handjob.' In case you missed the first one, I'm writing a weekly blurb that includes a downloadable mp3 of my favorite song of that particular week. Cool, right? Well no, it's not that easy. What you need to do first is write me out a check for $5, then I send you the link. Just kidding, it's totally free. However....if you would like to send me money just because I'm a righteous dude, e-mail me and we'll talk.

This week, I am pleased as punch to present you with Close Your Mouth (It's Christmas) by The Free Design. Oh man, dig those fucking Price is Right theme song bass lines! And Sandy Dedrick's beautiful voice. Seriously, between the Herb Alpert trumpet funkyness and those groovy bass lines, you could take the vocals out and have a perfect early/mid 70's gameshow theme song. This song is that awesome! Anywhoo, The Free Design were mostly comprised of brothers and sisters who played sorta adult psych pop. They didn't really have much chart success in their day (which is a total shame) but recently, they've been getting ridiculous (read: well-deserved) praise by some of the most amazing musicians of the modern-day type (Stereolab, Caribou, Super Furry Animals, Madlib et al). So there you have it. Download that and enjoy the shit out of it.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

What it do mean gene what it do

Hulk Hogan used to tell me and all the other little Hulkamaniacs when I was a wee whippersnapper growing up to say our prayers, take our vitamins and you will never go wrong. So when Hulk asked Paul Wall to do a track with his daughter you best believe Paul Wall said hell yeah cause he remember when the hulk whooped the Iran Shiek's ass like some trick, body slammed andre the giant, and was the best nanny in the history of cinema.

I know the kids on the block will stay this song sucks (and it does) and wtf ( as you should), but look at the bright side you can play this for white girls at the club instead of that ashanti track now.
about us
Next up is some heavy hitter remixes with a jay and young jeezy joining rick ross for a dope, dope remix about dope and the what like
hustling remix
And Ray Cash brings in project pat, ti and pimp c to help bump his music
bumpin my music
Lasly shadow adds another freak for the 3 freaks remix ft turf talk, keak, mistah fab and droop e
dj shadow - 4 freaks

Monday, May 15, 2006

Steele Reserve and Rain...a lot of fucking rain

Out here in the beautiful Live free or die state it won't stop fucking raining. I don't think the sun exists anymore and everything is flooding, dams are breaking and damnit I get as wet as your girl when see's me (an official rainy day ZIING) when I go outside. (side note the drunk and focused official zing is a horrible joke/pun whatever that is so bad you have to laugh) So I figured on this rainy night I will give you the drunk and focused guide to rainy days sponsored by Steel Reserve which gets the serg dun approval of tasting like "pee and rainwater."

Starting thangs off we have a b cause remix of the federation "what if I had a gun."
what if I had a gun (b cause disco edit/blend)
And speaking of guns I would use it to jack the sun from mother nature. Anyway this remix is dope, b cause and ross hogg always represent the bay area hard and put in that extra work in their blends, mixtapes, remixes etc. They get the official drunk and focused barry horowitz pat on the back.

Speaking of Suns taking days off we have freestyle fellowship's "when The sun took a day off." I am thinking he took a day off cause the sun drank too many steel reserves, but thats just like my opinion dude.
the sun took a day off

Next we keeping in theme we got some clouddead cause I want the clouds to be dead or some shit. I don't know I like this song so listen.
this about a city

Lastly we leave you with some of that late night I am gonna smoke a blunt and listen to the rain shit.
people under the stairs - san francisco - knights

Crybabies and Johnny Cakes its like a b-movie film

Jonny "crybaby" sacks is approaching trial and the feds have calculated his net worth and are getting to take all his assets to increase the pressure on the crybaby and hope he makes a deal. Jonny tells his lawyer no way he will snitch. Apparently he is a big fan of the t-shirt, "Stop Snitching."

Elsewhere Janice goes to visit tony and complains that he always makes fun of bobby for being fat and having a model train collection hobby, and that he works his ass off and should be a captain. She thinks he punishes him to get back at her. Tony denies this but later tells Melfi that its true. And that Janice back in the day used to be hot and had dudes all over and was the one person who would stand up to his mother. But also that she fled NJ as soon as she could and left him to deal with all the bullshit. And when they were kids she recorded a fight tony had with barbara when she was babysitting him and used it to "extort" tony into doing her chores for a month. This was a big issue causing taping someone in the soprano family is one of the biggest taboos one can do.

Elsewhere vito is in the library drinking vodka and pretending to write when his bf johnny cakes comes to confront him and calls him out on not being a sports writer after he dug through the trash or something crazy gf like to find out. Vito confesses that its true he is not a writer, but rather a contractor from Jersey and he had to leave his wife and kids. Johnny cakes then uses this to maneuver them to take their relationship to the next level and has vito move in with him and gets him a job as a handyman.

Next the Mafia housewives invade(yes and this will soon be a reality show on Bravo or some cable channel) Ginny sacks place for her birthday. A hugely distraught Ginny is complaining about life while Janice can't get over how nice her house is. Later on Carmela gets all women like and bitchy because tony hasn't taken care of the building inspector. I am saying carmela needs to shut the fuck up. Just because her dumb ass can't figure out what wood to use and fucked up her project she expects Tony to come to the rescue. I am saying that broad needs to get back to basics and focus on her real duties of cooking. cleaning and satisftying tony in the bedroom. I am saying she is a housewife that's her job.

Elsewhere jonny sacks brother pays tony a visit about trying to work out a deal about potential business ventures in heavy equipment leasing in rebuilding New Orleans. Tony says he will try to work out a deal but it will have to be on his terms. Crybaby agrees because he has no real options. At the meeting the dudes from town of Bounce music are divided. One dude is all for selling while the dad from "Boy Meet's World" is not for it, wondering why would he sell now with so much potential money to be made. I mean he has to think of ben savage's future doesn't he?

Back in New Hampshire Vito tags along with his bf to a fire and ends up saving the day when he climbs a ladder to cut a couple of power lines into the church to ensure the priest doesn't get electrocuted. Johnny cakes is upset and pushes vito while yelling at him , "trying to be a big man huh." The next night or so Vito makes a big italian feast and johnny cakes apologizes and says he was only mad cause vito could have get hurt, proving once and for all who wears the pants in this hurr relationship. The next morning before johnny cakes wakes up vito jets off back to jersey. Back in jersey Vito drinking vodka again crashes into the back of some jeep. The dude wants to call the cops but Vito decides to shoot him in the head instead.

Tony then works out another deal for the new Orleans shit saying if crybaby agrees to sell house for half its worth he will ensure the new Orleans deals happens. Crybaby agrees and tony tells janice that her new house will be that, which she weeps uncontrollably too in thanks. The show ends with Crybaby pleading guilty and getting 15 years and snitching in some way by admitting that he was a member of the mafia, which apparently changes everything. He is now the Mase of the mafia world, ie not a good thang.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Rock and Fucking Roll

Hi! Remember me? The token rock kid at drunk and focused...? No? Rock 'n' Roll Alphabet...? Nothing? Well, either way, I'm back from my long hiatus. Now that I'm going to have more free time, (I'm about to be a college grad, yay) you're going to be hearing from me way more often. You know what that means!?! Drunk and Focused isn't just for rap music anymore!
You see, Perv alerted me to the woeful lack of rock 'n' roll on this site and suggested that I take steps to remedy this situation. A suggestion I readily accepted.
Now, unless you talk to me on AIM or you're stalking me, you probably wouldn't know that I change my profile weekly to include a tear-ass rock 'n' roll song (it's not necessarily always rock 'n' roll, but being the token rock kid at Drunk and Focused, I'm contractually obligated to refer to rock 'n' roll at least 15 times per article) that I'm currently digging. So, Beat Pervert suggested that I share this weekly golden nugget of kick-ass with everyone who visits. At first, I called him crazy. "It'll never work" I said. But then he chased me with knives and I said, "ok."* So, I figured I'd post my weekly song, give a little band history and why you should worship at their altar of rock 'n' roll, and, as an added bonus, rant about any random thing that happens to be chapping my ass.
So, let us begin the first installment of what shall be henceforth known as....."The Weekly Handjob"!

This week : The Soft Boys - Leppo and the Jooves
Fuck yeah! The Soft Boys (who took part of The Soft Machine's name for theirs) were a fabtastic post-punk/psych-rock revival/weirdo band from the late 70's/early 80's. That's them up top! Robyn Hitchcock was the main guy in this band....and that should mean a whole hell of a lot to you because he's a fucking genius. Imagine this.....early Pink Floyd (the GOOD kind, with Syd at the helm) writing songs with Wire and Gang of Four while The Beatles sing some harmonies over top. Yeah....how could that get any better? A: It can't.

*Note: That never happened....or it did, and Pat doesn't want me to tell anyone.

Drunk and Focused Presents it's Guide to Getting Laid Vol. 1: the Hippy Cunt

Alright I come from an area where we have a lot of college"hippies." They are basically middle class white kids who started smoking pot in college and decided that after listening to phish stoned one day that they would buy a tye dyed t-shirt, some birkenstocks, and say man a lot. Unlike real hippy girls, the college hippy girl is smart enough to shave their pubes and armpits, and actually smell nice and wash their ass with soap. I am sorry petroli oil, or however the fuck you want to spell it, smells like ass hence why you wouldn't want to wash such a body part with it, its real simple science I tell ya but lets not forget just like most women, the hippy girl has a smaller brain than most men.

The reason being these college hippy girls still want to get laid by dudes who major in philosophy(or art or english or any other useless liberal arts degree) and shop at Salvation Army cause they spent all their money on weed and String Cheese Incident bootleg tapes, and spend hours waxing poetic about how an Oar concert changed their life while they were "almost tripping" off weed brownies. Which leads to the worst offense of these college hippies or for sake of time CUNTS ( I took the c from college and the unt from cunts which is actually a positive thing compared to being called a hippy, seriously call me a cunt all day just never call me a hippy.) These cunts love jam band music. For the loyal drunk and focused fans out there that only listen to rap music (and I wish there more of you in this cold, cold world) PM dawn would be the CUNT of the rap world, yes a soft fat peace loving bitch that got thrown off the stage by KRS because he was such a sally.

These PM dawns of the rock world think scale work is an art from, and believe people really need to hear the bassist solo for 15 minutes, while the drummer plays sloppily, and the lead singer is too out of his mind on acid to realize he is suppose to be entertaining the crowd. And didn't one of the dudes from phish just have child molestation charges against him or some shit, I mean Michael at least made thriller what the fuck have you done? And who does he think he is a catholic priest. (an official Drunk and Focused ZING!) I am saying who knew phish was actually a Jesus loving band, which means I wonder when their next tour with Creed is?

Which leads us to an important question in life who would win a fist fight Jesus and Creed or Apollo Creed?

I got my money on Apollo with some outside help from rocky.

Okay and I am back and focused unlike the plot of over the top.(zing) I think taking the hippie route is only one notch above being a frat kid. While frat kids fuck girls while their unconscious due to funneling 10 keystone lights in a night, the salvation army oar kids fuck college hippy tricks while they are tripping on mushrooms and think a penis is the vessel to enlightenment and god. I am saying you can't find god fucking a kid for two minutes while he tries to explain wow this has never happened to me before and that he usually lasts for hours, and umm lets smoke a blunt so you can forget all about this. Regardless the only people that get laid in the world less than frat kids and hippy kids are punk rock kids, and them sorry son of a bitches are a whole column within itself, and yes I love your mohawk cause it means your so edgy and scary. The only thing scary about punk rock is the lack of pussy and respect it gets you.

Now I am here to save you with some music that won't make you look like a complete tool and get you laid. Now here is first a secret weapon song that can be used as way to get into the heart and pants of a cunt. Its white america's favorite black boy, will smith, when he was still a fresh prince. A lot of people don't realize that jazzy jeff is a fucking dj wizard and can make some dope beats. Now this is fresh prince at its finest and it is a way to steal the cunt from the def jux kid who keeps it real with a rolodex of his favorite pale skinned rappers. He is also the kid that still hates on commercial rap and is a friend to feminists everywhere cause he hates on bling and bitches (in reality he is a douchebag that doesn't really even like rap music and would rather listen to Built to Spill than Wu Tang Clan). He will automatically diss will smith on principle and then you can play this track and be like sit down junior I just sonned you and start doing the carlton dance.
Dj jazzy jeff and the fresh prince - here we go again

Next up is tribe called quest which is the cunts favorite rap group to name drop. If a cunt tells you she likes rap but can only name tribe called quest then run, run far away. First of I know we all love tribe, but they have transformed into Bob Marley and Led Zepplin territory of being loved by douchebags worldwide thus making them kinda of ehhh when someone mentions how much they love them even though they listen to jam band shit. This is when you bring out de la soul, de la is loved by the cunts of a previous generation who were more hardcore potheads than jam band enthusiasts (ie the best kind of cunt.) New cunts will love this and say things like wow it sounds just like Tribe and then give you fellatio. For bonus points explain the native tongues and say technically this is just like a tribe cd and you will get a rim job.
de la soul - Eye Know

Next up is euro trash's wet dream the sounds of Gnarls Barkley, who are the best "rap" band for a cunt cause they ain't really rap and they ain't really hip. They are that safe wierd rap that made Andre 3000 solo cd seem so great (it wasn't I ain't gonna lie hey ya got me on the dance floor but the rest of that albulm sucked). It's true crazy is a catchy track but the drums are fucking doo doo, and not like that doo doo brown shit. So here comes tittsworth to the rescue with a b-more club remix that keeps the orginal intact but actually makes it playable on dance floors. While the cunt doesn't care that this is a remix, I figured I should give the drunk and focused heads who come here just for mp3s a special treat for sitting through my charity attempt at getting dudes laid. Regardless cunts will love this track
gnarls barkley - crazy (tittsworth remix)

Now we got the rap music covered but now you need a secret weapon. All though they are cunts they still have better music taste than the sorority slam pig. So to beat your nemesis in the salvation army garb you got to dig deep (but not too deep) with some rock they have to go wow to. Plus it helps if they can recognize it from something in pop culture such as movie, hence where the Pixies come in. College radio nerds love them thus so do cunts plus they can say wasn't this song in fight club which leads to the eventual you fucking her and her saying, "wow I haven't been fucked like this since I was in grade school." And yes you can thank me later.

Next up is some of that electronic kinda indy rock shit that these bitches get wet for. Plus this track can also be used when you move up to the scenester girl, but lets not get crazy cause you need baby steps first, a scenester girl is a whole different animal than the cunt. This is a boom bip remix of Her Space Holiday and will get any cunt wet that likes that wack ass postal service band. I hate them fools and they are on the list with thievery corp as dudes I want to punch right in the stomach, but I digress and we all know you my loyal readers just wants some cunt.
her Space Holiday - the luxury of loneliness (boom bip remix)

We conclude with some atmosphere because the cunt can't get enough of that ugly bastard, Slug is the eddie vedder of this generation, its fucking bizarre but bitches love him. Anyway this is a good track to teach the cunt what will happen to her if she gets uppity. Cause always remember that cunt is just another cunt, and drunk and focused doesn't promote letting a bitch make you her cuddle buddy.
atmosphere - trailer park chicken

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Where's his hat?

Jesus didn't need know fucking gold hat why should St Elzear? That is the philosphy of Paulie Walnuts who is running the annual Feast of St. Elzer. This is an old neighborhood tradition where they close down the street for a carnival for five days, which is highlighted by the carrying of the statue of st Elzear who wears a gold hat. Their is a new father at the parish and he feels the ten thousdand dollars that Paulie is giving the church is not enough and wants fifty thousand instead. Paulie balks at the request and says fuck the hat then and they shouldn't need any more money since they seem to have plenty of money already to fight molestation cases against priests.

Elsewhere Chris's gf Keli tells him she is pregnant. She is worried he would be pissed and says she will make an appointment to get aborted , but Christ tells her to stop it and then asks her to marry him and they will make a day of it at Atlantic City. A couple days later he shows up to the bada bing with ring on finger. Tony orders a round to toast him and chrissy says just water please, and his son will be his strength.

Tony needs to go out to Pennsylvania to take care of some garbage bidness and takes Christopher along. After they get done they find a couple bikers jacking a liquor store after hours. They then in turn steal the wine from the dudes as they shout "We're the Vipers" untill Chris pulls out his gun. They exchange fire and Chris shoots a dude that looks like the old prospector. Tony and Chris celebrate and reminisce over a couple bottles of wine, as Chris flashes back to the day he told Tony that Adriana was a snitch.

Back at the fair Carmela runs into Adrian's mother who claims the FBI told her Chris killed her daughter, Carmela says she is drunk and Adrian's mom says I haven't had a drink in 5 years, its called depression. Elsewhere Chris pays off the dude that set up the hit on rusty with cash and some heroin. That dude in return gives Chris a taste which he does and trips out, think Velvet Underground's heroin track.

velvet underground - heroin

The next day at the carnival Janice is on a ride with her baby when one of the rides breaks and malfunctions, causing one kid to bust some teeth, one a broken arm, and Janice fucking up her neck. Choo Choo chain Bobby goes to visit the owner of the ride the next morning to demand 25,000 for not making sure the ride was safe, the redneck tells him he had told Paulie the ride needed to be fixed but he didn't care. So bobby shows up at the fair yelling at Paulie that everyone wants to make a buck but you don't scrimp on safety. At Chris's bachelor party Tony tells Paulie he needs to squash this problem with Bobby. Paulie agrees to and tells Tony he might have colon cancer.

The show ends with Paulie going to his moms retirement home after cursing her out at the fair, and sitting down to watch a television program with her.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Hold ya horses

Drunk and focused is on a bender but stay tuned from some big tings soprano recap, some other shit about how wack jam bands are and a new podcast but for now you get some mp3s at radnom

funkadelic - Beware of Freaks bearing gifts

Babe Ruth - the mexican

Dj jazzy jeff and the fresh prince - as we go

Also come to scissor test tonite for special perfromance of maudlin cinema vs. eat cloud

Friday, May 05, 2006

Cheech & Chong Prove Ineffective; Nancy Reagan Praises Odin

In an incredibly surprising move that absolutely no one saw coming, Mexican president Vincente Fox vetoed the parliaments' "Ol' Dirty Bastard" Bill that would've decriminalized the possession of small amounts of drugs in response to pressure (described by one White House aide as of prostatic proportions) from the Bush Administration. Although the bill's original goal was to allow Mexican police to sidestep drug addicts and users so that they may pursue powerful drug cartels, U.S. officials and Mexican clergy feared it would be too strong of a blow to the weak, polio-stricken War On Drugs. All hopes of Americans disappearing across the border for a narcotic-haze vacation have been flushed down the toilet. Rush Limbaugh and Kate Moss are reportedly suicidal.

In entirely unrelated news, new press secretary Tony Snow is recommending all reporters eat mushrooms before attending White House press conferences to better-comprehend how a Fox News media demagogue got into the position of fielding questions for President Bush.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Pussy Records or Fighting records

My article with scottie b hits the streets tomorrow morning but all you late night drunk and focused readers can get it now.
Pussy Records or Fighting Records

Baltimore Club music is raw. Ol’ Dirty Bastard raw. Like eating hamburger that has not been cooked, teeth clenched into the meat as blood drips down your chin, raw. On the day I talk with Scottie B, the 38-year-old pioneer of the scene, he tells me he woke up at 6 a.m. to go buy a new pair of Air Force Ones. This, he sheepishly says over the phone, is the reason he missed my call in the morning. B-more Club music prides itself on being rough, rugged. It’s nothing if not unpretentious.

“Pussy records or fighting records,” Scottie B describes the early “Baltimore Club” sound. It was music made strictly for the clubs, inspired by the people who inhabit them.

“The DJ was an extension of the crowd,” Scottie B says, “and there was a lot of nonsense going on at these clubs, from fist fights to cheating, so the sound was made as a reflection of that.”

This is the kind of primal music that makes you either want to dance or punch someone in the face. It exists off emotion, in the way that punk rock aimed to before it became nothing more than a fashion statement.

The sound was developed in the early 1990s by DJs such as Scottie B, Frank-Ski, Miss Tony and DJ Spen. The city’s DJs were known for their ability to mix any style of music, and out of this developed a hybrid of hip-hop, house, club and hip-house. The sound is exemplified by an 8/4 beat structure, a tempo that ranges from 126 to 130 beats per minute. There might be sampled break beats of the songs “Sing Sing” by Gaz and “Think” by Lyn Collins and James Brown, repetitive hooks of well known hip-hop and R&B songs, as well as the use of weird pop culture references—anything from “South Park” to the theme song from “SpongeBob SquarePants.” Of course, most notably, there’s the kind of raw sex talk that would make Luke from 2 Live Crew blush and Bill O’Reilly’s head explode.

Scottie B himself could be described as the king of B-more Club, or maybe the dad of the scene, a man who always deserves respect and, of course, the biggest piece of steak at the dinner table. “It was about 1989-90 when it really started to start, and people started looping shit,” he says. “Frank-Ski did the same thing with ‘Doo Doo Brown’ (the 2 Live Crew booty bass song), we just started looping our favorite songs, and that’s how it started.”

Besides being one of the pioneers of the scene and a top-notch DJ and producer, Scottie B runs one of the most successful B-more Club record labels, Unruly Records (unrulyonline.com), with his partner, Shawn Caesar. Since 1994, they have been putting out the best releases in B-more Club, and their label roster now reads like a Who’s Who of the scene, with artists such as Rod Lee, Blaqsarr, KW Griff, and K-Swiftt. Unruly is also leading the genre into the next generation and influencing a new throng of B-more Club listeners with releases from newcomers Say Whut and Debonair Samir. Samir made noise this year with his extremely clever remake of “South Park”’s Cartman singing a song about how his friend’s Kyle’s mom is a “big fat bitch.” When asked to name some of the best up-and-coming B-more producers, Scottie B was quick to name Say Whut first as someone to watch out for.

The genre itself is an oddity. It’s so popular in Baltimore that it could be considered that region’s pop music, enjoyed by everyone from suburban white girls driving Volvos to dudes so hard they make Omar from HBO’s “The Wire” look soft. But Scottie B says that New York originally wanted nothing to do with the music, and it was actually Philly DJs who first started incorporating the B-more Club sound into their sets. Although the music transcends race, it’s also interesting to note Scottie B had never played for a white crowd until a recent first-time gig in New York City, and this is a man who’s been DJing since 1986. He admitted he couldn’t figure out what the crowd wanted to hear for the first 30 minutes of his set.
“They didn’t react to the same songs that a Baltimore crowd would have,” he says. Like any good DJ, he figured it out and showed the crowd what he was all about.

This leads to another interesting point. No matter how popular B-more Club was in Baltimore, the sound was essentially ignored by the rest of the country throughout the 1990s. It was not until the Hollertronix DJs of Diplo and Low Budget used B-more club in their all-dance-music genre mixes—everything from crunk, electro, B-more Club and ’80s—that New York finally jumped onto the bandwagon.

Major labels have fnally taken notice of the sound, too, most notably with release of the Gwen Stefani “Hollaback Girl” remix 12-inch by Diplo, which is in done in B-more club style. Scottie B himself sees the future of B-more Club as being the brightest it ever has.

“I see it being more universal instead of just regional,” he says, “ I see the sound as a kaleidoscope now. I don’t want to say these new DJs are imitating, but it is rather (a) reinterpretation (of) what they want the sound to be, and that is just a progression of our sound, which we started as a reinterpretation of the music we were listening to at the time.”

As for his place in B-more Club, he is humble about it. “I don’t need to be the best anymore,” he says, “but I want people to at least recognize my place within the scene.”

His place? Scottie B has accomplished what every other DJ aspires to: he’ll forever be known as the innovator of a musical genre that transformed a regional sound into a style that now influences countless DJs worldwide.

I'll suck yo dick for a new beat pervert mix

New scissor test podcast up with a couple new tracks from the excellent eat cloud release and then we turn it loose on the dancefloor with an assualt of electro, b-more club, house, and left field dance shit all with a Menace II society theme. And remember don't ever be a david chauncy ass type bitch.

Scissor Test Radio Volume 3

eat cloud - I miss my baby seal
Lil Scrappy ft. young buck - money in the bank
dj technics - I'm rich
treva whatever - dance class
bonde de role - melo de taboco
2 live crew - the fuck shop ( remix)
world class wrecking crew - dre's beat
grandmaster flash - scorpio (plaid remix)
mr skruff - sweet smoke (manitoba remix)
unknown - radiohead of the house
out hud - my two dads (dads reprise)
afx - ?
data thief - advanced social engineering
low budget - crazy eyes killa
raymond scott - the baltimore electric company
tittsworth - eastern motors
rick ross - hustlin( graeme sinden b-more remix)
eat cloud - bow'd brain

Also check back tomorrow for my article on b-more club dude of all dudes Scottie B

Monday, May 01, 2006

Mexico Won Over By Cheech & Chong Propaganda; Nancy Reagan Faints At The News

In a well-planned kick to the War On Drugs' old vasectomy scars, Mexico's parliamentary houses passed a bill Friday that allows the carrying of substances including marijuana, LSD, MDMA, cocaine and heroin. The bill is expected to be signed by President Vicente Fox soon. Psychics forsee a rolling of Ronald Reagan in his grave. If the bill is signed into law, five grams of marijuana can be carried legally in Mexico, as well as a half-gram of cocaine. Small amounts of other drugs will also be allowed. In a classy move by politicians to reportedly handjob Zapatistas and indigenous peoples, up to a kilogram of peyote, used in many Indian religious ceremonies, will be allowed. However, selling any of these drugs will remain illegal; the bill also raises penalties for anyone found carrying over the legal amounts, as well as any dealers caught in the vicinity of schools.

In unrelated news, thousands of dirty hippies have been reported migrating to U.S.-Mexican bordertowns.

most valuable mamba

First things first what the hell happened to mamba? Dude is abusing the suns right now and actually relying on his teammates, and then coming thru in the clutch with monster shots. I am sorry but MVP steve nash if you actually hit fucking one of your five wide open threes in the fourth quarter then over time never happens, and you would not be on the brink of elimination. I don't think Nash has recovered from that dunking facial Kobe gave him early in the series. Serial(Al Gore What) Mamba skeet skeet skeeted all over him on that dunk, Nash was straight up faced. And never will I doubt Phil Jackson again, dude has that special ability to transform any player of questionable ability into a bonafide stud role player who can hit big three's when needed or make a clutch steal, or rebound etc. Think kinda like what I did with en p. When I found him he was the mark Madsen of the blog world doing acid and probaly listening to phish records and having a small cult following. I am saying I turned him around now he is getting hyphy, punching frat kids in the face, holding my weed and becoming the lamor odom/scottie pippen to my mamba/Jordan role here. I am saying its almost enough to bring a tear to my eye. Now on to that gangsta shit.

The show opens with Patsy and some other mid-level goon trying to shake down a chain coffee shop or some shit like that for protection money. The manager was like ummm we are a huge corporate chain if the money is off in the books they will just get rid of me and replace me with someone else. Which proves once again corporate america is fucking over the average american. I don't want to live in a world when the average mobster can't shake down the small businessman for some protection money. Reason number 678 to hate cooperation's: they fuck with the middle class mobsters money, they got kids that got to eat too ya know.

Elsewhere AJ makes his return to the storyline with shorter hair this time. He is still working at blockbuster, and going to clubs in NYC and getting laid because his dad is big time mobster. He also is slowly realizing that the only reason people hang out with him, fuck him, or be real nice to him is because of who his dad is. He also sold his drum kit so he can pay for 2,000 dollar drink bills at the clubs. Side note at least he is banging good looking broads, their is always a plus to everything.

Tony is worried about Aj and telling Dr. Melfi that it is ruining his sex life. He can finally fuck again and aj is being an anti-aphrodisiac on his sex life. Tony also says he cannot cheat on his wife because of all she did for him during his coma and getting shot. Melfi says to not worry too much and with the amount of information kids get these days that the new 21 is actually 26.

They then go to a shot of Aj and Tony on the boat talking about Uncle Junior. AJ asks what they are gonna do and tony says nothing because "He's incarcerated for the rest of his unnatural life." AJ sulks off after hearing that. Later on AJ is getting a backrub from a blonde floozy who asks him about junior and the shooting. AJ Brags that he will most likely have to take care of it, she thinks thats intense i.e. I will fuck you now. I am saying I was born in the wrong family although like big L I do be fucking around with more keys than a janitor it would be nice to be able to fuck a bitch without spitting game other than my dad is motherfucking gangsta, so where is my blow job?

Back to the corporate world, this hot broad offers tony a business proposal, Jamba Juice wants to buy out one of his properties in his old neighborhood. Their offer was too low at first so Tony refuses, but he shows definite interest in the women (she used to be an ER and probaly fucked George Clooney when he was on Facts of Life to get that gig). She finally brings a third offer to tony that he can't refuse which leads them to signing the papers at her apartment. They sign the papers and begin to make out. But before they fuck Tony stops, he can't seal the deal with her because he would feel to disloyal to Carmela. He leaves and then flips out on Carm because of blue balls and the fact their is no smoked turkey in the house.

Speaking of smoked turkey ( ahh the really bad pun to lead into the next story I am saying drunk and focused the only site which will use said pun then call out myself for using: I Keep it real) the vito story in NH. Vito or Vince as he is known out there is really turned on when he see's the dude from the diner that makes Johnny Cakes, as a volunteer fireman and save a baby. The next night at the bar he buys the table of volunteer fireman two pitchers. At the end of the night Jim tries to kiss him and Vito flips out and calls him a fag and gets a beatdown for that.

The next day Vito goes to the diner and apologizes to Jim saying sometimes you tell a lie so long you don't know when to stop. And then they have a romantic picnic and probaly fuck. As for the homefront Phil wants Vito dead and tells tony this. Tony does not like being told what to do from Phil and reminds him he is acting boss, and their will not be a beef over this because they principally want the same thing done, and Tony will take care of it how he wants to.

The show ends up with AJ going to visit Junior with a knife in his jacket. Before he can stab Junior the knife falls out of his jacket and security bumrush him. He is able to get out of it with no trouble because Tony has connections. Tony yells at him for being so dumb and tells him if he didn't know people he could be tried for attempted murder. Aj then breaks down and tells him why he did it and one of the reasons being that tony's favorite scene from the godfather was when Michael got revenge for his father and killed the cop and the other mafia dude. Tony reminds AJ that it was only a movie and tells AJ hat he is a nice guy. This life isn't for him cause he is a nice guy, and he is grateful for that. He also seems almost happy that AJ would try to enact revenge for him. He also tells AJ that his mother will never know anything about this. The show ends with AJ at a club realizing all these "friends" of his only like him cause he's rich and tony soprano's son and he has a panic attack in the bathroom.