Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Dear Bonner: The art of jacking your advice
Honestly who gives better advice than Matt Bonner? Obviously no one. I am rich, an NBA superstar, and graduated Florida with practically a 4.0( beat perv edit it was 3.96). So if anyone should be giving advice it should be me and not that old bag of bones Erica kane looking saddle horse Abby or any of her clones who are so old and clueless they give advice only found in a Gil Thorpe cartoon. Speaking of shitty ass cartoons fuck Blondie. That shit is so white it makes my skin crawl. Dude marries a bimbo, eats all the time, and has a shitty boss but dude is happy as fuck. How much money can that dude be making to marry Blondie, and why is she with such a tool. Shit does not make sense. Plus he disses rap music. Dude who writes that you write blondie a smug ass cartoon set in the 1950's with no mention of anything in the real world today. You need to go fuck yourself. And fuck Blondie girl is a ho, and why the fuck she running a catering service anyway. Bitch can't cook and she has fake titties. At least in better or worse people aged. And I don't even want to talk about that sally ass son. Who wears their hair like that in 2009?
DEAR ABBY: I am a female who is "over 21." I have always been a tomboy. I love to wrestle with my 200-pound boyfriend. Our struggles are vigorous, but never violent, and always end with a kiss or more. My friends are horrified. They say I could be injured and that any man who would physically "fight" a woman is a potential wife-beater or worse. So many people have warned me to "watch out" that now I'm beginning to wonder. To me, it's a good way to have fun and burn off calories. What's your take on this, Abby? -- LOVES TO TUSSLE IN GEORGIA DEAR LOVES TO TUSSLE: If you are the one initiating these "fights," then I doubt that your boyfriend is a potential wife-beater or worse. (If it were the other way around, I might be concerned.) What you have described sounds more like foreplay than abuse. As long as you both enjoy it and no one becomes injured, what the two of you do is nobody's business, so keep it private.
Yo loves to tussle its Bonner here. First tell them meddlesome bitches to shit the fuck up. If you need to get your hulk hogan on to fuck your husband ain't no shame in that. I am guessing you a big girl right? You can take a piledriver or body slam. Bonner knows your type. But yeah if your man ain't giving it you right maybe I can put you in a sharp shooter, superkick you in the chin and then pin you. I'll have you screaming 1 2 3 all night. That sound good girl? Remember Bonner here for you all night. If you man won't put you in a boston crab I will.
DEAR ABBY: I recently married a man my family and friends, and I, all thought was the perfect man/husband for me -- or anyone, for that matter. We have been married less than two months, and I have undeniable proof that he is married to another woman in another state. We received gifts from two showers -- one given by some friends and another given by my co-workers. Should I give them back? I want to do the right thing. There are about 20 gifts and a small gift certificate. So far, people who know my situation say I should keep them, but are they just being polite? -- EMBARRASSED AND HEARTBROKEN IN NORTH CAROLINA DEAR EMBARRASSED AND HEARTBROKEN: If they have not been used, the gifts should be offered to the people who gave them to you. However, if you have already done this and were told you should keep them, then that's what you should do. The gifts are yours to keep or dispose of as you wish, if you would prefer not to have hurtful reminders around.
Nah fuck that keep those gifts girl, or better yet send them to me, Matt Bonner, NBA Superstar. You get a nice toaster, shit I need a nice toaster. How about a deep fryer, you know Bonner likes to deep fry shit. Yo I am hoping you got a fondue set up just in case Tony Parker and that bitch of a wife of his, who keep asking to come over for dinner one night to hang out with the Bonner man, and who I am running out of excuses of why they can't have them over will finally be able to come over. I figure maybe now I set up a nice fondue night for them, you know everyone loves fondue, even the french and their wives. I think its a french word too, fondue, that sounds about right? But yeah girl how about you bring over those gifts and I make you forget about your man. That sound aight with you?
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 54 years. She is now 90 and I am 87, although we could both pass for 70. We have made love about once a week since the day we were married -- yes, about 2,800 times. Is there any correlation between frequency of sex and lack of apparent aging? -- FEELS LIKE A KID IN ARIZONA DEAR KID: From everything I have read, regular cardiovascular exercise, lack of stress and a happy marriage contribute to a couple's health and well-being. Because a healthy sex life falls into all three categories, I think you're onto something.
Yo I just puked in my mouth. That shit is some serial gross. Dude I am not going to be able to get a hard on for six months. UGHH really, no, that shit is gross. Bonner don't want to think of that and you should be ashamed for sending this question in.