Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Alex Rodriguez is a fucking Diva


I was talking to serg (you know of beerandrap.com fame) the other night when I realized I had just asked him to listen to an r kelly song. When he replied to me do you know you just asked me to listen to fucking r kelly song an epiphany hit me: A Rod, this years supposed mvp (yes pussies are elegible) is the equivilant of r and b music. Yes the soft hand bullshit music enjoyed by white girls worldwide. Think about it the comparisions between the two are uncanny. Just like A Rod when an r and b dude fights he slaps. A Rod embarassed an entire NY Yankeees nation when he slapped at Bronson Arroyo in the ALCS proving you don't need Common Sense to see the bitch in him. I am surprised A Rod hasn't gouged out his own eye like Houston to show how sad he is to the world. I guesse when your the face of tiger beat magazine life is hard . A Rod should be the new member of B2k because he is that fucking soft. So in honor of the MVP Sham that everyone knows should have been won by David "guerilla pimpin" Ortiz we bring you some nancy boy softness. On a side note honestly this win by A Rod is like when mtv gives the hip hop video award to some sally like Sisqo because they don't want to upset those trl white girls by picking someone like ortiz whose the equivilant of bun b or the entire wu tang clan circa 93. In honor of bitches like A Rod worldwide we here at drunk and focused are gonna give you white girls the nancy boy of your dream, R Kelly and his unintentional comedy opus Trapped in the closet 6-12.

Chapter 6 (you must read all this chapter reviews like you were r kelly singing this song, yes r kelly singing this song, song, song) begins with R kelly and his wife who we will call A Rod laughing there ass off about their infidelity like they were watching a dave chappelle stand up. Apparently cheating on each other is as hillarious as nick cannon. Then the cop who is Omar from the wire comes in with his gun like what? Then r and the cop start to struggle and they struggle and the next thing you know bullets are fired which leads to
chapter 6

Chapter 7 where we find out toine (who is a rod's brother who just go out of jail) has been shot. He starts coughing and we realize it just a flesh wound, yes just a flesh wound. Then someone's banging at the door, yes banging at the door. The girl at the door is there with a spatula, yes with a spatula. It turns out to be rosy the noisy neighbor, yes with a spatula in her hand.
Chapter 7

Chapter 8 the cop drives home. (This is also when R Kelly brings out a horrible female southern accent which I thank him for). The cop gets home and he see's his wife and she is all jittery and she is like maybe its the time of the month and he's like maybe and I am gonna heat up some chicken. Then he's like what you got up you sleeve women I told you not pay that lock ness monster tree fiddy and he's thinking someone else is up in his home.
Chapter 8

Chapter 9 the cop starts looking around the kitchen. He hears something in the kitchen (yes in the kitchen!) Then he looks at the cabinet, yes in the cabinet, yeah I said in the cabinet, no I am not kidding about the cabinet, he finds a midget in the cabinet, yes a midget, midget, midget...
Chapter 9

Chapter 10 starts with king kong bundy fighting a midget in the wwf, yes king kong bundy is fighting a midget. Then the midget shits himself, yes the midget shit himself. Then the cops wife tells the cop I love this midget. Then the midget takes his inhaler out and says this ain't good for me heart and faints Then toine comes in the house and is like whats the smell?
Chapter 10


Chapter 11 Then the midget wakes up and r kelly is like why do you look familar. And toine is like who broke wind cause he didn't know the midget shit his pants, and no they don't know the midget shit his pants. Then the cops wife is like the midget is named big man because he is blessed and yes he is a stripper, yes a stripper. Then the cops wife is like there is something I gotta to tell you. I been sleeping with big man and he's my baby's daddy, yes my baby's daddy, daddy, daddy, and the midget with shit in his draws faints again.
Chapter 11

Chapter 12 we return to cathy's house (yes were everything started, yes cathy is the girl r kelly fist cheated on, yes cheated on). Then Rufus(the gay lover of the priest who is married to cathy) is like skank, whore, bitch try it to cathy. Then they start to argue and the phone is ringing, yes I said the phone is ringing, yes the phone is ringing, did I tell anyone the phone is ringing, yes the phone is ringing. Then cathy answers the phone and its A Rod on the phone, yes R Kelly's women. And A Rod's wife is like remember that cop and then she goes into the whole traped in the closet saga and ends with remember that crusty wigged ho. And she is like yeah and A Rod is like I am the crusty wigged ho, ho, ho.
Chapter 12

R kelly is living the american dream no where else can you piss on a 15 year old and then produce the greatest opus of music known to men. We at drunk and focused salute you r kelly for making us feel less creepy for liking woody allen movies or enjoying the music of jerry lee lewis.

4 comments:

Zach said...

Brilliant....best post yet, yes best post yet

Anonymous said...

I read your blog and peed like R Kelly all over a 15 year old girl.
superb.

arlene said...

oh my good christ this is amazing!!

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