Monday, February 20, 2006
Maddog and Rap
My homie serg runs the Beer and Rap site (beerandrap.com), and if you read my article for the Wire on blogs a couple months back, you know he is one of the few dudes that is trill. Anyway every once and awhile he puts out a hard copy beer and rap zine that is usually pretty shitty but always entertaining. Some kids call it the best magazines out these days that doesn't feature tits and ass but rather bitter rants about hip hop and thangs that get you drunk.(I prefer naked chicks thats just me though) Anyway for the holiday edition of it I wrote a little article for it about my hatred for the white folk and my love fo 90210 and dawson's creek. And cause I took a week off here is the article to once again prove how much I love you, the loyal drunk and focused readers
First things first beer is for pussies so this is the takeover: Maddog 2020 and Rap. Originally this was gonna be a top ten list of things I hate about white folks and when you come from New Hampshire, population white, you have a plenty of hatred for the white folk. But then I realized that's like shooting fish in a barrel so I said fuck that I needed to add something to this. I mean this is the maddog holiday portion of this Goddamn mag. So I figured I just would drink a bottle of maddog and write about how I saved christmas. But that started out with me talking to a drunk santa who was drinking Orange Jubilee and shouting, "All these little fuckers deserve coal. And fuck Jesus. Without me Christmas is the poor man's Hanukah. And if you see the Easter Bunny you tell that motherfucker I want the 200 bucks I loaned him on Valentines days for that hooker that looked like bugs bunny. And yes I don't give a fuck if she gave him the herp, cold sores or not I want my goddamn money." Plus the story ended with jesus getting a blumpkin from Tom Cruise and I figured that might offend people who thought I didn't properly build up to that climax. I am saying story structure is important. So instead I decided to drink another bottle of maddog and write about me and my people’s love for teenage melodrama in the form of 90210 and Dawson's Creek. And for all your rap kids I am gonna do it like a five round battle and at the end there will be one winner and here is the definitive guide to white people's love for teenage melodrama, as well as eight things to hate about us pale faced bastards.
First off is Brendan Walsh versus Dawson Leery: Basically these were the main glue of the show which everything evolved around. But this is really no battle because Brendan Walsh actually got two things Dawson only dreamed about getting: pussy and respect. I am saying Brendan Walsh got more girls than Too Short. Whether the bitch had a kid, was a racist, was the president of his college's daughter, was a professor's wife, was a latino girl from east LA who just wanted to dance, hell she could be a whore like Kelly (you realized she banged Steve, Dylan, and Brendan and not to mention every dude at west beverly by her sophomore year), or his pseudo cousin from Saved by the bell, or even a 30 year old like Andrea Zucherman; all these bitches had one thing in common: they wanted Brendan in their pants. Dawson on the other hand couldn't close the deal with Joey Potter(until a sloppy one night stand in college), ruined his chances of banging the girl from Sweet valley high (you remember the episode where she is giving him head and he crashes his boat), and doesn't bang the local slam pig Jen till college, and to boot after they were dating. I mean this is not even really a battle its so one sided. So 90201 takes the first round with ease.
Dylan Mckay versus Pacey Whitter: Now this is where the battle heats up. Pacey in many ways was seemingly the poor mans Dylan, but that's like calling masta ace the poor man’s big daddy kane. Sure kane started off alot stronger,(kane started off harder than any rapper before him as well) but Masta ace had more consistency and did the best bass track from a dude on the east coast ever entitled “Jeep Ass Nigga.” Jeep ass Nigga or Born to Roll(either version was dope) is one of the best bass tracks period and was the equivalent of Pacey fucking joey potter. I mean lets look at the facts; his freshmen year Pacey lost his virginity to his hot English teacher(and taped it none the less, I am saying that's trill and he lived out every freshmen’s wet dream), plus he deflowered Joey Potter, tore up Andy, and not to mention the sexual escapades with Joey's college dorm mate, and the ridicously hot broad from the Money Magazine when he was rocking a goatee and channeling Ben Affleck's spirit in Boiler Room.(Luckily we will forget the time he frosted his tips) Dylan of course had Brenda, Kelly, the Noxema girl, and a countless other whores. Dylan also was a drunk and was a big fan of the junk. Pacey well, Pacey was a good cook. But in the end Pacey got Joey Potter, and until Tom Cruise ruined Katie Holmes legacy that meant something. So in a close battle Pacey gets the edge to put the Creek and 90210 tied up 1-1.
Joey Potter versus Kelly: Kelly was possibly the greatest character in all of tv for having fucked up shit happen to her. Think about it she was the high school whore, got addicted to diet pills, got raped, got shot, got addicted to coke, was burned in a fire at a rave steve sanders threw while having her first lesbian experience, and got abducted into a cult. The bitch had issues. While Joey Pottter just had great titties. So without a doubt Joey Potter wins this by a landslide. The creek goes up 2-1.
David Silver versus Jack/Jen/Grams: This is a battle of the sidekicks, you know integral members of the show that are not essential. This not even close, think gilbert grape versus magneto. All right Grams hair gets points for unintentional comedy, but overall jack and jen were pretty fucking boring, yes your a slut and your a gay frat dude, awesome. But David Silver was the american dream personified. I mean david fucking silver went from a geek who watched his dorky bestfriend shoot himself in the face, to rolling with the tightest click at west beverly. (this is like Paul Barman going from hanging out with Prince Paul to rolling with G Unit) The he went to college and picked up a speed habit, played keyboard in baby face's band and got crabs from the tour manager like any rock star should (and at least it wasn't the herp), and became a radio dj broadcasting live from the Peach Pit after dark. Plus dude could rap his ass off, hell he once served maestro van fresh and made him cry for saying Degrassi Junior High was the greatest of the teenage melodrama shows. Plus dude deflowered Tori Spelling and with that said were tied up 2-2 into the final round.
The intangibles: 90210 had Steve Sanders and Andrea Zucherman proving 30 year olds could still be in high school. 90210 started the return of the sideburn trend, and even had their own trading cards. Not to mention they spawned one of the greatest spin offs of all time Melrose Place (not surprisingly Kelly fucking jake led to this). Not to mention Joe E. Tata (the mr. miagi of my generation) and the peach pit. After watching E's True Hollywood Story I realized the creek only launched the trend of J. crew clothes and the birth of tomkat. Seriously joey potter ruined the creek with this tomkat nonsense, and any show that brings tom cruise into the limelight loses alot of points. I mean other then the Gift and joey potters titties flying around the intangibles are dominated by the kids from the 90210 area code. And in the deciding round the creek is knocked the fuck out by the 90210 , which proves to be the champ show for white people who love melodramatic teens. And even though I love the 90210 I got to give you readers the top ten things I hate about us pale faces, yes for every Joey Potter we give the world we give you ten things you must hate about us.
Now the top eight things about white people that beat pervert hates:
Sandals: What the fuck is the obsession with white people and showing off their ugly ass feet? Its fucking creepy I tell ya. As soon as it hits 60 and the snow starts to melt we get a bunch of hippies, burnouts, dave mathew's band fans, and bull dykes breaking out their new birkenstocks to pollute my eyesight with bunions and corns. Hell not to mention the bastards that wear their socks with sandals. I am sorry socks with sandals is never a good look unless you want to announce to the world you are a complete douchebag. In fact anyone who wears sandals that are not at either the beach, a pool, or a showering in a dorm's bathroom gets the gas face. So next time you see someone wearing sandals make sure to step on their toes and tell them what an asshole they are. This is the only way we are going to get white people to cover up their goddamn feet and stop embarrassing me.
faux hawks: First of all mohawks themselves are fucking dumb enough. Your not sid vicious and punk rock is dead so cut that shit off. But at least these misguided fuckers have the balls enough to be made fun of for a real reason like they grew out there hair to give themselves a played out haircut, Hell I kind of admire these poor souls because that's like a black dude growing out the kid hi top fade (you know like kid from kid n' play of house party fame). But the faux hawk is what 13 year old kids that listen to good charlotte get, or what some rich sally that's dating paris hilton or some other spoiled whore rocks when he wants to look edgy to a trust fund cunt. I say every time you see a person with a faux hawk you grab a flowbee and you shave that motherfuckers head. Believe me at the end of the day they will thank you for it.
hippies: I am sorry but hippies need to be shot on sight. People don't realize how useless hippies are. For the most part only 25 percent of them have good weed. I am saying people without jobs or motivation, unless they are drug dealers, are gonna have shitty weed. Most hippies are useless on this front, let me correct myself, most hippies are useless in general. Cartman from south park was right hippies need to be stopped once and for all or they will infiltrate America with shitty jam band music. You want to know why phish sell out concerts its because of hippies. So lets end all this jam business for once and all and exterminate all hippies.
emo kids: Only the white man can turn crying into a million dollar business. Fuck you emo kids and your fucking hair. You fucking dumb bastards didn't the 80's teach us what happens when your hair looks that fucking terrible and teased. Your not a member of flock of seagulls so stop wearing your bitch ass hair like that. Seriously has America lost its way so much they we have raised all our kids to be pussies to cry all the time because their gf fucked some dude that wasn't such a pussy? Girls are supposed to be the bitch in the relationship not you. So emo kids need to man the fuck up and cut their fucking hair. We are all gonna be laughing at you and your myspace profiles in 10 years, and I am sure you gonna cry about that shit too you fucking pussies.
Gel: Speaking of hair what the fuck is the obsession with white people and copious amounts of hair gel? I am looking at all you wop motherfuckers whose dads are in the mafia. Stop gelling your hair up and make me some goddamn pizza. What the fuck is up with reverse helmet/mullet shit. You know when you use entire bottle of gel to make your hair go straight up like you were wearing a fucking helmet of feathers. Who the hell likes that shit? Bitches can't run the hands through that shit because your hair is so hard it fucking stabs them. Actually I got it all you motherfucker guidos played way too much sonic the hedgehog while your dads were out trying to become made men so now you make your hair look like a hedgehog because he was your surrogate father. I am sorry your dad is in jail but no amount of hair gel is gonna bring him back so stop embarrassing wops worldwide and put down the damn hair gel.
Frat kids: There might not be a white person in the world I hate more than the white frat dude. We all know the type, some douchebag from suburbia that majors in date rape in college. You know who he is because he wears the frat uniform of a pink shirt with a popped up collar, a backwards hat or hair gelled up, and probably some sandals. To show girls he is deep he listens to Ben Harper and Dave Mathews and has christmas lights in his room to give girls an inviting presence. They drink a 6 pack of bud light, yell out played out dave chappelle catch phrases such as 'YEaAHHHHHH" and "I am rick james bitch" to show how hip they are, and always tell pledges stories of the one time they got laid in the frat house by the state schools token slam pig. I am sorry but except for the rare times they bang a passed out freshmen these kids get laid less than gutter punks. So the lesson is parents don't let little Johnny grow up to be a frat kid unless you want him harboring latent homosexual desires, a strong desire to drink keystone light and the ability to get laid less than a gutter punk kid who doesn't shower. And I am sorry fucking a girl after you roofie them doesn't count, so yes Timmy from TKE you still are a virgin.
Hackeysack: They want kids to wear helmets in Massachusetts to play soccer. This still only makes soccer the second most pussy spot in America. The first? You guessed it hackysacking. I am not sure you would call this a sport per se, but it would be in the pussy olympics, so it has a space on here. Just walk around any Dave Mathew's Band concert and watch people hackey sack and tell me you won't hate white people after that.
Self-Righteous Hip-hop fans: These are the white kids that only like underground hip hop and won't listen to anything commercial because they don't "keep it real."(Yeah I'll keep it real and you can represent what, yeah my nuts) They preach the 4 elements even though they can't dance, hate graffiti, could care less about vinyl and are scared of black people. They worship sage francis and dismiss Bun B as garbage because it doesn't fit their hip-hop aesthetic. Their history of rap music goes back to 2001 and they grew up listening to sublime instead of the juice crew and bdp. Del is their greatest rapper of all time to them and master p is useless because they think they are so much smarter than him since they just finished their freshmen year in college and are majoring in philosophy. They are also the only people dumb enough to buy Talib kweli records.
And as a bonus here is extra two things to hate about white people provided by a dude that did a track on sage francis’s last albulm. And his white boy rant went against pantaloons, so here is varicky pyr stating his hated for white people in pantaloons stating MAN, FUCK PANTALOONS. I DON'T WANT TO SHOW OFF MY SOCKS. GIVE ME FUCKING PANTS DOWN TO MY ANKLES. I DON'T WANT PANTALOONS. THEY'RE FUCKING SHORTS THAT ATTACK YOUR CALVES.
He also continued for the number 10 reason to hate whitey: The souped up import cars made of plastic that every white kid got after they saw fast & furious. They go around blasting trance, doing 80 in a residential, revving their motor with a shaved head and a wifebeater on. YOU ARE NOT VIN DIESEL. So remember you white motherfuckers you have been put on blast.