Thursday, May 11, 2006

Drunk and Focused Presents it's Guide to Getting Laid Vol. 1: the Hippy Cunt

Alright I come from an area where we have a lot of college"hippies." They are basically middle class white kids who started smoking pot in college and decided that after listening to phish stoned one day that they would buy a tye dyed t-shirt, some birkenstocks, and say man a lot. Unlike real hippy girls, the college hippy girl is smart enough to shave their pubes and armpits, and actually smell nice and wash their ass with soap. I am sorry petroli oil, or however the fuck you want to spell it, smells like ass hence why you wouldn't want to wash such a body part with it, its real simple science I tell ya but lets not forget just like most women, the hippy girl has a smaller brain than most men.

The reason being these college hippy girls still want to get laid by dudes who major in philosophy(or art or english or any other useless liberal arts degree) and shop at Salvation Army cause they spent all their money on weed and String Cheese Incident bootleg tapes, and spend hours waxing poetic about how an Oar concert changed their life while they were "almost tripping" off weed brownies. Which leads to the worst offense of these college hippies or for sake of time CUNTS ( I took the c from college and the unt from cunts which is actually a positive thing compared to being called a hippy, seriously call me a cunt all day just never call me a hippy.) These cunts love jam band music. For the loyal drunk and focused fans out there that only listen to rap music (and I wish there more of you in this cold, cold world) PM dawn would be the CUNT of the rap world, yes a soft fat peace loving bitch that got thrown off the stage by KRS because he was such a sally.

These PM dawns of the rock world think scale work is an art from, and believe people really need to hear the bassist solo for 15 minutes, while the drummer plays sloppily, and the lead singer is too out of his mind on acid to realize he is suppose to be entertaining the crowd. And didn't one of the dudes from phish just have child molestation charges against him or some shit, I mean Michael at least made thriller what the fuck have you done? And who does he think he is a catholic priest. (an official Drunk and Focused ZING!) I am saying who knew phish was actually a Jesus loving band, which means I wonder when their next tour with Creed is?

Which leads us to an important question in life who would win a fist fight Jesus and Creed or Apollo Creed?

I got my money on Apollo with some outside help from rocky.

Okay and I am back and focused unlike the plot of over the top.(zing) I think taking the hippie route is only one notch above being a frat kid. While frat kids fuck girls while their unconscious due to funneling 10 keystone lights in a night, the salvation army oar kids fuck college hippy tricks while they are tripping on mushrooms and think a penis is the vessel to enlightenment and god. I am saying you can't find god fucking a kid for two minutes while he tries to explain wow this has never happened to me before and that he usually lasts for hours, and umm lets smoke a blunt so you can forget all about this. Regardless the only people that get laid in the world less than frat kids and hippy kids are punk rock kids, and them sorry son of a bitches are a whole column within itself, and yes I love your mohawk cause it means your so edgy and scary. The only thing scary about punk rock is the lack of pussy and respect it gets you.

Now I am here to save you with some music that won't make you look like a complete tool and get you laid. Now here is first a secret weapon song that can be used as way to get into the heart and pants of a cunt. Its white america's favorite black boy, will smith, when he was still a fresh prince. A lot of people don't realize that jazzy jeff is a fucking dj wizard and can make some dope beats. Now this is fresh prince at its finest and it is a way to steal the cunt from the def jux kid who keeps it real with a rolodex of his favorite pale skinned rappers. He is also the kid that still hates on commercial rap and is a friend to feminists everywhere cause he hates on bling and bitches (in reality he is a douchebag that doesn't really even like rap music and would rather listen to Built to Spill than Wu Tang Clan). He will automatically diss will smith on principle and then you can play this track and be like sit down junior I just sonned you and start doing the carlton dance.
Dj jazzy jeff and the fresh prince - here we go again

Next up is tribe called quest which is the cunts favorite rap group to name drop. If a cunt tells you she likes rap but can only name tribe called quest then run, run far away. First of I know we all love tribe, but they have transformed into Bob Marley and Led Zepplin territory of being loved by douchebags worldwide thus making them kinda of ehhh when someone mentions how much they love them even though they listen to jam band shit. This is when you bring out de la soul, de la is loved by the cunts of a previous generation who were more hardcore potheads than jam band enthusiasts (ie the best kind of cunt.) New cunts will love this and say things like wow it sounds just like Tribe and then give you fellatio. For bonus points explain the native tongues and say technically this is just like a tribe cd and you will get a rim job.
de la soul - Eye Know

Next up is euro trash's wet dream the sounds of Gnarls Barkley, who are the best "rap" band for a cunt cause they ain't really rap and they ain't really hip. They are that safe wierd rap that made Andre 3000 solo cd seem so great (it wasn't I ain't gonna lie hey ya got me on the dance floor but the rest of that albulm sucked). It's true crazy is a catchy track but the drums are fucking doo doo, and not like that doo doo brown shit. So here comes tittsworth to the rescue with a b-more club remix that keeps the orginal intact but actually makes it playable on dance floors. While the cunt doesn't care that this is a remix, I figured I should give the drunk and focused heads who come here just for mp3s a special treat for sitting through my charity attempt at getting dudes laid. Regardless cunts will love this track
gnarls barkley - crazy (tittsworth remix)

Now we got the rap music covered but now you need a secret weapon. All though they are cunts they still have better music taste than the sorority slam pig. So to beat your nemesis in the salvation army garb you got to dig deep (but not too deep) with some rock they have to go wow to. Plus it helps if they can recognize it from something in pop culture such as movie, hence where the Pixies come in. College radio nerds love them thus so do cunts plus they can say wasn't this song in fight club which leads to the eventual you fucking her and her saying, "wow I haven't been fucked like this since I was in grade school." And yes you can thank me later.
Pixies


Next up is some of that electronic kinda indy rock shit that these bitches get wet for. Plus this track can also be used when you move up to the scenester girl, but lets not get crazy cause you need baby steps first, a scenester girl is a whole different animal than the cunt. This is a boom bip remix of Her Space Holiday and will get any cunt wet that likes that wack ass postal service band. I hate them fools and they are on the list with thievery corp as dudes I want to punch right in the stomach, but I digress and we all know you my loyal readers just wants some cunt.
her Space Holiday - the luxury of loneliness (boom bip remix)

We conclude with some atmosphere because the cunt can't get enough of that ugly bastard, Slug is the eddie vedder of this generation, its fucking bizarre but bitches love him. Anyway this is a good track to teach the cunt what will happen to her if she gets uppity. Cause always remember that cunt is just another cunt, and drunk and focused doesn't promote letting a bitch make you her cuddle buddy.
atmosphere - trailer park chicken

1 comment:

b2 the baptist said...

you know if Big Momma knew of your gratuitous use of the C word she would be disappointed with you. But she would probably still like you better.
b2 the baptist