Monday, January 30, 2006
Just when I thought I was out...they pull me back in
Okay t minus one day till the Mothership lands and as a special treat we got a Royal Rumble review for ya. I am not gonna lie I have fell off a bit on my wrestling viewing, so this was a little bit of a return to the darkside for me and a chance to see what I been missing. Anyway the rumble starts off with a token cruiserweight match featuring 6 guys that Vince McMahon doesn't know who are. Gregory Helms, who since got rid of the hurricane gimmick and green hair and now looks like Barry Horowitz, wins the match. Which means welcome to Velocity Gregory Helms
Next was some mandatory t and a. Some girl with big boobs beat another girl with big boobs... I was thoroughly entertained.
The next match featured JBL versus the Boogey Man. The boogey man is what happens when you cross Papa Shango with Kamala and Alton from the Gauntlet. This motherfucker is a creepy bastard who eats worms and gyrates. Yes he gyrates, and the eat worms. Its like watching disco stu eat a bucket of chinese noodles that was provided to him by Keifer Sutherland and the lost boys who use their vampire powers to make the noodles seems like worms to the common non vampire eye.
As B2 mentioned its never a good sign when they have a huge designs for the entrance of the wrestlers, and for once his near senile ass was right. We have officially returned to the dark ages of 1995 and I am just waiting for the return of spark plug bob holly and tatanka....err wait a minute.
Now on to the royal rumble which begins with the spirit squad. The spirit squad are like the snl will ferrel cheerleading skitsbut with 6 nancyboy frat dudes who make everyone awkward doinfg a rumble cheer for 5 minutes before the match began leaving everyone watching significantly uncomfortable and or bored.
The first two in are New Hampshire's hometown boy Triple H and Rey Mysterio, who came out in a low rider bumping masta ace's born to roll, dedicating his match to the late, great eddie guerro. Anyway a lot of shit happens but I will give you a special edition called rhetorical questions and things I should not say from contestants 3-30.
Tatanka at number fifteen? Whats next Koko b. Ware and Tony Atlas? Fucking tatanka, he looked like wha whoo mcdanial without the beer belly, which makes me think Tatanka ain't a real injun. I am saying a real redskin would have a beer belly by his age, dudes pushing 40 something and when you ain't having to skalp anyone for a living, what else do you have to but be drunk?
Hi am Sean Micheals, and I am a member of the dudes that think they look think they like David lee roth in 1984. He looks micheal bolton and every match I suspect to see him crooning a love song to vince mcmahon.
Why hasn't anyone pointed out that kane without his mask looks baron von ruskithce?
Ok a 400 pound blackmen named viscera comes out dressed in purple pjs, looking like oprah in drag at a slumber party. Already why I like this wrestling shit is getting hard enough to explain, then when he ass humps his competitor in the middle of the ring, saying why I love rasslin' is made damn near impossible. Picture this a 400 pound black man threw down his opponent, then proceeded to mount him, and then proceeded to dry hump him as if he was doing the worm on his backside. UMMMMM.... I am about to black out that image, ummm back to the rumble.
Then Goldust, dusty rhodes, yes the "american dream" son, comes back (side note does modern day ric flair look sorta of like a skinny dusty rhodes.. complete with the man boobies) And surprisingly everything goldust does is much less gay and suspect than viscera. I am saying I am still disturbed from the humping....ummm can somebody tell me who the ad wizards that came up with that one? (thank you snl for when you were still funny and larry david too, and yes fuck you jerry.)
Next why does Orlando Jones have conked hair? He looks like a cross between a well groomed don king and buckwheat.
Now back to the end: its the final three rey, HHH, and Randy orton, the career killer. Ny now I am thinking HHH will win, I mean he is the modern day ric flair, it would make sense, but then rey does the impossible and throws him out of the ring. Now its just randy orton and rey, well guess what Rey does the impossible and eliminates him and wins the royal fucking rumble. I was shocked, but fucking happy as hell, it was a perfect ending. Fuck the haters because that shit was poetic, the smallest wrestler in the wwe overcame every odd, and the number 2 entry to boot, to win the royal rumble for his best friend.
Well that should have been end of ppv, but the wwe dumb as usual decides to show their two lackluster heavyweight title matches afterwards.
Anyway esoteric's best friend, and rapper who is better than him, John Cena, comes out and beats Edge and his dirty whore gf Lita. Next is Kurt Angle versus the dude who once fucked 80 year old diva Mae West. Anyway angle embarrasses this chump as most of the crowd leaves before the match is done, and I am sure they all wanted to beat traffic and definitely wasn't because of the lame match. IWho wouldn't want to watch a perpetual underachiever like Henry get destroyed by Kurt Angle?
Overall the Rumble wasn't bad, I mean I didn't pay for shit and it was free (thank you brother in law), and I was entertained. But I am saying a lot of things were so suspect that it made Camron decked out in pink look hard. Please never allow a 500 pound black man to hump anything, its never a good look. Overall I give this royal rumble a 7.5 and thats strictly for the rey jr performance he was a 10 for a ppv that overall might night have been much better than a 5 without him.